Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
> An Emergency Call Centre
> worker in London has been
> dismissed from her job, much
> to the dismay of colleagues
> who are reportedly unhappy
> with her treatment.
> It seems a male caller dialled
> 999 from a mobile phone stating,
> "I am depressed and lying here
> on a railway track. I am
> waiting for the train to come
> so I can finally meet Allah."
> Apparently "remain calm and
> stay on the line was not
> considered to be an
> appropriate or correct response..
> worker in London has been
> dismissed from her job, much
> to the dismay of colleagues
> who are reportedly unhappy
> with her treatment.
> It seems a male caller dialled
> 999 from a mobile phone stating,
> "I am depressed and lying here
> on a railway track. I am
> waiting for the train to come
> so I can finally meet Allah."
> Apparently "remain calm and
> stay on the line was not
> considered to be an
> appropriate or correct response..
Alex said:
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's £30k cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put £20k into the envelope because he needed £10k for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put £10k in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost £20k."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full £30k."
Just told the wife this joke, she said I bet the lawyer stops the cheque when he gets home."Here's £30k cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put £20k into the envelope because he needed £10k for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put £10k in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost £20k."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full £30k."
Sgt Jones who is in the REME wasn't known for being subtitle.
One day, news arrived that a member of his platoons father had died, so he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "Corporal Smith"
"SARG"
"SMITH YOUR MOTHER DIED YESTERDAY......"
The Colonal passing witnessed this episode and took Sgt Jones to one side and said, "Sargent, you must treat these matters delicately, it's very distressing when a member of one of our soldiers passes away".
The following day Sgt Jones received news that Corporal Smiths mother had died. Mulling over what the Colonal had said to him, he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "All those with mothers one step forward.........
"SMITH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING"
One day, news arrived that a member of his platoons father had died, so he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "Corporal Smith"
"SARG"
"SMITH YOUR MOTHER DIED YESTERDAY......"
The Colonal passing witnessed this episode and took Sgt Jones to one side and said, "Sargent, you must treat these matters delicately, it's very distressing when a member of one of our soldiers passes away".
The following day Sgt Jones received news that Corporal Smiths mother had died. Mulling over what the Colonal had said to him, he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "All those with mothers one step forward.........
"SMITH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING"
Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me,"
suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me,"
suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?"
Vipers said:
Sgt Jones who is in the REME wasn't known for being subtitle.
One day, news arrived that a member of his platoons father had died, so he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "Corporal Smith"
"SARG"
"SMITH YOUR MOTHER DIED YESTERDAY......"
The Colonal passing witnessed this episode and took Sgt Jones to one side and said, "Sargent, you must treat these matters delicately, it's very distressing when a member of one of our soldiers passes away".
The following day Sgt Jones received news that Corporal Smiths mother had died. Mulling over what the Colonal had said to him, he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "All those with mothers one step forward.........
"SMITH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING"
FFS, I heard that when I was in school, now I'm a great grandfather!!One day, news arrived that a member of his platoons father had died, so he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "Corporal Smith"
"SARG"
"SMITH YOUR MOTHER DIED YESTERDAY......"
The Colonal passing witnessed this episode and took Sgt Jones to one side and said, "Sargent, you must treat these matters delicately, it's very distressing when a member of one of our soldiers passes away".
The following day Sgt Jones received news that Corporal Smiths mother had died. Mulling over what the Colonal had said to him, he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "All those with mothers one step forward.........
"SMITH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING"
Vipers said:
Sgt Jones who is in the REME wasn't known for being subtitle.
One day, news arrived that a member of his platoons father had died, so he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "Corporal Smith"
"SARG"
"SMITH YOUR MOTHER DIED YESTERDAY......"
The Colonal passing witnessed this episode and took Sgt Jones to one side and said, "Sargent, you must treat these matters delicately, it's very distressing when a member of one of our soldiers passes away".
The following day Sgt Jones received news that Corporal Smiths mother had died. Mulling over what the Colonal had said to him, he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "All those with mothers one step forward.........
"SMITH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING"
subtitles One day, news arrived that a member of his platoons father had died, so he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "Corporal Smith"
"SARG"
"SMITH YOUR MOTHER DIED YESTERDAY......"
The Colonal passing witnessed this episode and took Sgt Jones to one side and said, "Sargent, you must treat these matters delicately, it's very distressing when a member of one of our soldiers passes away".
The following day Sgt Jones received news that Corporal Smiths mother had died. Mulling over what the Colonal had said to him, he had the platoon fall in on the parade ground.
Sgt Jones barked out "All those with mothers one step forward.........
"SMITH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING"
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