Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[smn159]

Vipers said:

A woman is standing in the nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

Posting on here to take your mind off of the court case eh, Tarby?

[sc4589]

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

[Ari]

Jonboy_t said:

I hear Liza Tarbuck is incredibly embarrased.

So would I be if I was that fat and talentless.

And who the fks ever heard of you I wonder?

[Petemate]

A blonde drops off her black dress at the cleaners. As she is on her way out, the lady at the counter politely says "Come again". The blonde says "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey cow".

[OldJohnnyYen]

First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.

[Laurel Green]

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror.

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????

[DAVEVO9]

Ari said:

And who the fks ever heard of you I wonder?

Bit touchy dear

Do you have a "FAT" wife?

[Jonboy_t]

Ari said:

Jonboy_t said:

I hear Liza Tarbuck is incredibly embarrased.

So would I be if I was that fat and talentless.

And who the fks ever heard of you I wonder?

Everyone, I'm world fking famous.

[Adenauer]

DAVEVO9 said:

Ari said:

And who the fks ever heard of you I wonder?

Bit touchy dear

Do you have a "FAT" wife?

[Petemate]

DAVEVO9 said:

Bit touchy dear

Do you have a "FAT" wife?

Worth at least 3

[Cotty]

Colonial said:

Just put a spoiler on my car.

It says "Bruce Willis was dead the whole time."

Took me a second

[kowalski655]

OldJohnnyYen said:

First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.

[Nom de ploom]

OldJohnnyYen said:

First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.

Jimmy Tarbuck?

Although, now I don't think its a lamp he is famous for rubbing....

[Ali Chappussy]

Ari said:

Jonboy_t said:

I hear Liza Tarbuck is incredibly embarrased.

So would I be if I was that fat and talentless.

And who the fks ever heard of you I wonder?

Oooooo, who lit the fuse on your tampon?

[Tycho]

I went on a date with a girl with a stutter.

The waiter asked what she would like to order.

She said, "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n..."

At that point, I decided to help her out and shouted, "BATMAN!"

[LordGrover]

You rotten b'stard.

[Marty63]

Tycho said:

I went on a date with a girl with a stutter.

The waiter asked what she would like to order.

She said, "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n..."

At that point, I decided to help her out and shouted, "BATMAN!"

[Marty63]

DAVEVO9 said:

Ari said:

And who the fks ever heard of you I wonder?

Bit touchy dear

Do you have a "FAT" wife?

I've got one you can have ??

[x 7usc]

i was a getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Amersham last night.


We took the A4!

[Asterix]

A413 maybe or the A404 towards Wycombe?

The A40 at an absolute stretch but never the A4 - far too South.