Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Piersman2 said:
It's been 14 years since I lived in Aberdeen. They can't still be there surely? Not still selling the same s
t selection of Vauxhalls.The benefit of hindsight:
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth,
and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local
welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of
the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment
to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsttin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth,
and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local
welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of
the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment
to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bulls
ttin' me!"The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr Hollande!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Hollande replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Hollande paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Hollande asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Hollande sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Hollande, was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr Hollande, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Hollande. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "We had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
"Hallo, Mr Hollande!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Hollande replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Hollande paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Hollande asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Hollande sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Hollande, was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr Hollande, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Hollande. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "We had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
omgus said:
A joke i have never heard before.
Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Johnny,what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir." "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade student should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"
"OK,what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut."
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK? First one: You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do." Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver." "Arrow."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck,Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir." "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade student should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"
"OK,what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut."
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK? First one: You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do." Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver." "Arrow."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck,Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
A new recruit is given his first duty as sentry guard, and is told he is not to allow anyone onto the base unless they have a visitors sticker on their windshield!
A few minutes after taking up, his post, a car pulls up with a General in the back. The recruit looks at the car and sees no sticker!
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."
The general said, to his driver "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
A few minutes after taking up, his post, a car pulls up with a General in the back. The recruit looks at the car and sees no sticker!
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."
The general said, to his driver "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
And in today's other news:
In a new press statement, Boris Johnny-Johnson and the rail union RMT have finally admitted their bid for World Domination and elimination of Obesity in the Capital. Anybody still stuck on the Underground will be locked in there for at least a week, and if they survive that they will be given the privilege of Walking Everywhere.
In a new press statement, Boris Johnny-Johnson and the rail union RMT have finally admitted their bid for World Domination and elimination of Obesity in the Capital. Anybody still stuck on the Underground will be locked in there for at least a week, and if they survive that they will be given the privilege of Walking Everywhere.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff