Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[DAVEVO9]

I had my first gig as a stand up comedian last night at an old peoples home.
They didn't get any of my jokes, but they still pissed themselves!

[MrsVipers]

Vipers said:

My wife's like a fking animal in all in bed.

Really?

Yes, she is like a fking elephant.







P.S. Don't worry, she doesn't read PH,s thank god. I am safe

Is that right!?

You're in so much trouble!

[Monkey boy 1]

BBC News: David Cameron has expressed his anger over President Putin taking 3 days to accept his phone call. Therefore, has decided to invoke further and even stricter sanctions...

by blocking him on Facebook.

[Justin Cyder]

It's the wife's birthday, I Asked her what she'd like for a treat - anything at all. "Ooh ok, how about a Spa?"

I said alright and stuck two uppercuts & a hay maker round the chops before she had a chance to get her guard up. Still got it.

[Laurel Green]

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[Laurel Green]

A woman goes to the hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas".

[smn159]

Justin Cyder said:

It's the wife's birthday, I Asked her what she'd like for a treat - anything at all. "Ooh ok, how about a Spa?"

I said alright and stuck two uppercuts & a hay maker round the chops before she had a chance to get her guard up. Still got it.

My wife has been hinting for a while that she wants a Spa break for her Birthday so I've just booked us one up.

Can't wait now - bet she sts herself going through Eau Rouge.

[Vipers]

MrsVipers said:

Vipers said:

My wife's like a fking animal in all in bed.

Really?

Yes, she is like a fking elephant.







P.S. Don't worry, she doesn't read PH,s thank god. I am safe

Is that right!?

You're in so much trouble!

Whoops! Hello dear . (Just the response made me chuckle, good one)

[Pixelpeep7r]

Vipers said:

MrsVipers said:

Vipers said:

My wife's like a fking animal in all in bed.

Really?

Yes, she is like a fking elephant.







P.S. Don't worry, she doesn't read PH,s thank god. I am safe

Is that right!?

You're in so much trouble!

Whoops! Hello dear . (Just the response made me chuckle, good one - please don't kill me in my sleep.)

EFA

[MrsVipers]

Right.
Thanks to you and your internet friends, that's no bedtime fun for you. For. Ever! Hrrmph!

[GarryDK]

[Hugo a Gogo]

I saw a man today whose face was covered in black dust, he was wearing a bright yellow hard hat, royal blue overalls size xl, carrying a pickaxe with a hickory shaft and he had a small scar on his left hand - but those are just miner details

[McAndy]

Hugo a Gogo said:

I saw a man today whose face was covered in black dust, he was wearing a bright yellow hard hat, royal blue overalls size xl, carrying a pickaxe with a hickory shaft and he had a small scar on his left hand - but those are just miner details

[Muntu]

My missus was complaining about chapped lips earlier.

Being the gentleman that I am, I went and fetched her Vaseline for her and smeared it on my cock..

[109er]

The time machine:

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent,

There is no conflict, The economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “It's not bad, this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:

“What will England be like in 100 years’ time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”

David replies,

“Damned if I know! It's not in English!”

[Mermaid]

109er said:

“Damned if I know! It's not in English!”

غیر مسلموں میں محفوظ کیا گیا ہے جس کے تحت ایک تاریخی پریکٹس - بیان میں، "خلافت" میں برطانیہ کے بعض حصوں میں ایک اعلان اس ماہ کے اوائل رہنے کے لئے چاہتے تھے Isis کے نے کہا ہے کہ عیسائیوں کے ایک "dhimma کے" معاہدہ کی شرائط پر عمل کرنے کے لئے متفق ہونا ضروری ہے "جزیہ" کے طور پر جانا جاتا ایک خاص لیوی کے بدلے میں مسلمان کی زمین. "ہم نے ان کے تین انتخاب پیش کرتے ہیں: اسلام، dhimma کے معاہدہ - جزیہ کی ادائیگی شامل، انہوں نے اس سے انکار theywill تلوار کے سوا کچھ نہیں ہے،" اعلان انہوں نے کہا کہ.

[Hooli]

McAndy said:

Hugo a Gogo said:

I saw a man today whose face was covered in black dust, he was wearing a bright yellow hard hat, royal blue overalls size xl, carrying a pickaxe with a hickory shaft and he had a small scar on his left hand - but those are just miner details

[Muntu]

Hugo a Gogo said:

I saw a man today whose face was covered in black dust, he was wearing a bright yellow hard hat, royal blue overalls size xl, carrying a pickaxe with a hickory shaft and he had a small scar on his left hand - but those are just miner details

Always worth a repost!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhGSYvub9R4

[Pixelpeep7r]

Mermaid said:

109er said:

“Damned if I know! It's not in English!”

??? ?????? ??? ????? ??? ??? ?? ?? ?? ??? ??? ?????? ?????? - ???? ???? "?????" ??? ??????? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ????? ?? ??? ?? ????? ???? ?? ??? ????? ??? Isis ?? ?? ??? ?? ?? ???????? ?? ??? "dhimma ??" ?????? ?? ????? ?? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ???? ????? ?? "????" ?? ??? ?? ???? ???? ??? ??? ???? ?? ???? ??? ?????? ?? ????. "?? ?? ?? ?? ??? ?????? ??? ???? ???: ?????? dhimma ?? ?????? - ???? ?? ??????? ????? ????? ?? ?? ?? ????? theywill ????? ?? ??? ??? ???? ???" ????? ????? ?? ??? ??.

بالکل کتے ڈک کس ایک بوجھ. اوہ، اور الحمد اللہ

[driverrob]

Mermaid said:

Somthing in Urdu, not Arabic as expected.

Non-Muslims are protected under the historical practice - the statement, "Caliphate" in parts of the UK in an announcement earlier this month of Isis wanted to live the Christian a "dhimma the "The agreement must agree to comply with the provisions of the" jizya ", known as the Muslim lands in exchange for a special levy. "We offer them three choices: Islam, dhimma contract - jizya