Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Saw this on the BBC website and had to do a date check o make sure it wasn't April 1st!
F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone pays to end bribery trial
F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone pays to end bribery trial
Caruso said:
Saw this on the BBC website and had to do a date check o make sure it wasn't April 1st!
F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone pays to end bribery trial
Ye i couldn't believe it either. Don't even need to make a joke about itF1 boss Bernie Ecclestone pays to end bribery trial
He is getting off an illegal bribery charge by legally bribing them.
I wish that worked with speeding tickets: "Yes Officer! I was speeding, but i could have gone alot faster. If you let me off i'll show you."
A comparative review of 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton
Titanic:...... Cost - £9.99
Clinton:..... Cost - £9.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:.... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bulls
t artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:... Let's not go there.
Titanic:.... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:.... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:.... Monica... ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:.... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same the same thing...
Titanic:...... Cost - £9.99
Clinton:..... Cost - £9.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:.... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bulls
t artist. Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:... Let's not go there.
Titanic:.... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:.... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:.... Monica... ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:.... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same the same thing...
32 Things British People
Have To Deal With In 2014
1. I met Rolf Harris as a child and he didn't try anything on. I am now thinking i must have been an ugly child.
2. I've just had to tell BT I want porn.
3. I can't go anywhere without being told to Keep Calm and do something.
4. I made eye contact with a stranger on the tube. We both looked away out of the window, and our reflections made eye
contact.
5. Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying "I think that's right."
6. Briefly opening the window and letting in fifty midges, twenty flies, seven bees, two pigeons and a fox.
7. Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed "cheers', "ta" and "nice one.'
8. Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change.
9. We have to opt in to view porn but we can't opt out of royal baby news.
10. I want to buy a cheap pair of tracksuit bottoms for the gym but every pair I find is expensive because chavs wear them as fashion items.
11. Prince George is a year old and has already visited half the countries I've always wanted to.
12. I get more text messages from my local Domino's, than any of my friends.
13. I pay £9000 to go to this university and they haven't even put Dyson Airblades in the toilets.
14. I wish to feed myself at Heathrow but do not want to go into debt.
15. I tutted at someone who pushed into the queue, and they turned and looked at me.
16. My 64 year old father has only just heard of Benedict Cumberbatch and thinks his name is so hilarious that he's constantly saying it aloud and chuckling to himself.
17. I got 5 minutes into one of Jamie's 30 Minute Meals then realised I'd forgotten to grow a herb garden in my kitchen
18. At £4.89, a ham sandwich, bag of crisps and bottle of water is neither a "meal or a •deal'.
19. I accidentally bought a bottle of Coke with "Richard" on it and now co-workers won't stop making jokes about a Dick in my
mouth.
20. Tesco want £2.50 for an empty jam jar..... On the next aisle they are charging 30p for the same jar filled with pickled onions.....
21. WHSmiths charge you 1 p for a plastic bag because they're being "environmentally conscious", then give you an entire tree's worth of receipts and discount vouchers.
22. We ran out of Yorkshire Tea bags at work so now I have to drink Tetley like some kind of animal.
23. If "Google Fiber" comes to the UK I worry they won't spell Fibre correctly.
24. The Canadians have stolen our stereotype of being polite, but we're too polite to make a fuss over it.
25. Every pub meal is now served on a f**king chopping board.
26. I told my friend to "pop round whenever" and she actually turned up unannounced.
27. Not knowing whether to search for "United Kingdom", "Great Britain" or "England" on drop down boxes.
28. Scientists have slaved for years to produce a sheet of material one atom thick. Unfortunately for them the makers of my bin bags beat them to it.
29. I always say "excuse me" when what I really mean is "Get the f**k out of my way you retarded c**t! What made you think that was a sensible place to stand you f**king w**ker?"
30. The three second jingle for BBC One on the iPlayer is significantly louder than the programmes.
31. Lorries travelling at 56.0023mph that feel a desperate urge to overtake other lorries that are travelling at 55.9981mph on the only stretch of dual carriageway for the next 20 miles.
32. I want the London look, but my front teeth touch.
Have To Deal With In 2014
1. I met Rolf Harris as a child and he didn't try anything on. I am now thinking i must have been an ugly child.
2. I've just had to tell BT I want porn.
3. I can't go anywhere without being told to Keep Calm and do something.
4. I made eye contact with a stranger on the tube. We both looked away out of the window, and our reflections made eye
contact.
5. Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying "I think that's right."
6. Briefly opening the window and letting in fifty midges, twenty flies, seven bees, two pigeons and a fox.
7. Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed "cheers', "ta" and "nice one.'
8. Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change.
9. We have to opt in to view porn but we can't opt out of royal baby news.
10. I want to buy a cheap pair of tracksuit bottoms for the gym but every pair I find is expensive because chavs wear them as fashion items.
11. Prince George is a year old and has already visited half the countries I've always wanted to.
12. I get more text messages from my local Domino's, than any of my friends.
13. I pay £9000 to go to this university and they haven't even put Dyson Airblades in the toilets.
14. I wish to feed myself at Heathrow but do not want to go into debt.
15. I tutted at someone who pushed into the queue, and they turned and looked at me.
16. My 64 year old father has only just heard of Benedict Cumberbatch and thinks his name is so hilarious that he's constantly saying it aloud and chuckling to himself.
17. I got 5 minutes into one of Jamie's 30 Minute Meals then realised I'd forgotten to grow a herb garden in my kitchen
18. At £4.89, a ham sandwich, bag of crisps and bottle of water is neither a "meal or a •deal'.
19. I accidentally bought a bottle of Coke with "Richard" on it and now co-workers won't stop making jokes about a Dick in my
mouth.
20. Tesco want £2.50 for an empty jam jar..... On the next aisle they are charging 30p for the same jar filled with pickled onions.....
21. WHSmiths charge you 1 p for a plastic bag because they're being "environmentally conscious", then give you an entire tree's worth of receipts and discount vouchers.
22. We ran out of Yorkshire Tea bags at work so now I have to drink Tetley like some kind of animal.
23. If "Google Fiber" comes to the UK I worry they won't spell Fibre correctly.
24. The Canadians have stolen our stereotype of being polite, but we're too polite to make a fuss over it.
25. Every pub meal is now served on a f**king chopping board.
26. I told my friend to "pop round whenever" and she actually turned up unannounced.
27. Not knowing whether to search for "United Kingdom", "Great Britain" or "England" on drop down boxes.
28. Scientists have slaved for years to produce a sheet of material one atom thick. Unfortunately for them the makers of my bin bags beat them to it.
29. I always say "excuse me" when what I really mean is "Get the f**k out of my way you retarded c**t! What made you think that was a sensible place to stand you f**king w**ker?"
30. The three second jingle for BBC One on the iPlayer is significantly louder than the programmes.
31. Lorries travelling at 56.0023mph that feel a desperate urge to overtake other lorries that are travelling at 55.9981mph on the only stretch of dual carriageway for the next 20 miles.
32. I want the London look, but my front teeth touch.
A few of my favourites from Urban Dictionary
Dunch
not quite dinner but definitely past lunch.
Smellfie
To discretely sniff ones underarms for stank before venturing out in to public areas as to not offend other with fowl body odor.
whappened
Whappened is a slang word used for saying "What happened?"
nofux
It is the most simple yet awesome word, it simply means that you do not give a fk
manbecue
An even more manly version of a BBQ. Absolutely no vegetables allowed. It basically consists of a lot of beer and meat. There is usually a lot of yelling and loud music involved.
slumber chunder
To vomit in your sleep unexpectedly, usually due to the over-consumption of alcoholic beverages
Fungry
When a person/persons is beyond feeling hungry but they are f**king hungry, like hungry to eat a horse hungry, like damnit I want to kill someone and no a snickers will not satisfy my hunger hungry.
manscheduling
When a man makes vague plans with you, with the intention of canceling if something better comes up, or he doesn't feel like putting pants on.
harassenger
A passenger who is constantly on your ass about your driving skills. He/she constantly cautions you to keep a safe distance from the car in front of you, checks that you're obeying the speed limit, and is always quick to point out your navigational errors.
Fart Lapse
The period of time it takes between the fart and the recognition of the fart, from another person.
Dunch
not quite dinner but definitely past lunch.
Smellfie
To discretely sniff ones underarms for stank before venturing out in to public areas as to not offend other with fowl body odor.
whappened
Whappened is a slang word used for saying "What happened?"
nofux
It is the most simple yet awesome word, it simply means that you do not give a f
kmanbecue
An even more manly version of a BBQ. Absolutely no vegetables allowed. It basically consists of a lot of beer and meat. There is usually a lot of yelling and loud music involved.
slumber chunder
To vomit in your sleep unexpectedly, usually due to the over-consumption of alcoholic beverages
Fungry
When a person/persons is beyond feeling hungry but they are f**king hungry, like hungry to eat a horse hungry, like damnit I want to kill someone and no a snickers will not satisfy my hunger hungry.
manscheduling
When a man makes vague plans with you, with the intention of canceling if something better comes up, or he doesn't feel like putting pants on.
harassenger
A passenger who is constantly on your ass about your driving skills. He/she constantly cautions you to keep a safe distance from the car in front of you, checks that you're obeying the speed limit, and is always quick to point out your navigational errors.
Fart Lapse
The period of time it takes between the fart and the recognition of the fart, from another person.
Pixelpeep7r said:
32 Things British People
Have To Deal With In 2014
1. I met Rolf Harris as a child and he didn't try anything on. I am now thinking i must have been an ugly child.
2. I've just had to tell BT I want porn.
3. I can't go anywhere without being told to Keep Calm and do something.
4. I made eye contact with a stranger on the tube. We both looked away out of the window, and our reflections made eye
contact.
5. Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying "I think that's right."
6. Briefly opening the window and letting in fifty midges, twenty flies, seven bees, two pigeons and a fox.
7. Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed "cheers', "ta" and "nice one.'
8. Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change.
9. We have to opt in to view porn but we can't opt out of royal baby news.
10. I want to buy a cheap pair of tracksuit bottoms for the gym but every pair I find is expensive because chavs wear them as fashion items.
11. Prince George is a year old and has already visited half the countries I've always wanted to.
12. I get more text messages from my local Domino's, than any of my friends.
13. I pay £9000 to go to this university and they haven't even put Dyson Airblades in the toilets.
14. I wish to feed myself at Heathrow but do not want to go into debt.
15. I tutted at someone who pushed into the queue, and they turned and looked at me.
16. My 64 year old father has only just heard of Benedict Cumberbatch and thinks his name is so hilarious that he's constantly saying it aloud and chuckling to himself.
17. I got 5 minutes into one of Jamie's 30 Minute Meals then realised I'd forgotten to grow a herb garden in my kitchen
18. At £4.89, a ham sandwich, bag of crisps and bottle of water is neither a "meal or a •deal'.
19. I accidentally bought a bottle of Coke with "Richard" on it and now co-workers won't stop making jokes about a Dick in my
mouth.
20. Tesco want £2.50 for an empty jam jar..... On the next aisle they are charging 30p for the same jar filled with pickled onions.....
21. WHSmiths charge you 1 p for a plastic bag because they're being "environmentally conscious", then give you an entire tree's worth of receipts and discount vouchers.
22. We ran out of Yorkshire Tea bags at work so now I have to drink Tetley like some kind of animal.
23. If "Google Fiber" comes to the UK I worry they won't spell Fibre correctly.
24. The Canadians have stolen our stereotype of being polite, but we're too polite to make a fuss over it.
25. Every pub meal is now served on a f**king chopping board.
26. I told my friend to "pop round whenever" and she actually turned up unannounced.
27. Not knowing whether to search for "United Kingdom", "Great Britain" or "England" on drop down boxes.
28. Scientists have slaved for years to produce a sheet of material one atom thick. Unfortunately for them the makers of my bin bags beat them to it.
29. I always say "excuse me" when what I really mean is "Get the f**k out of my way you retarded c**t! What made you think that was a sensible place to stand you f**king w**ker?"
30. The three second jingle for BBC One on the iPlayer is significantly louder than the programmes.
31. Lorries travelling at 56.0023mph that feel a desperate urge to overtake other lorries that are travelling at 55.9981mph on the only stretch of dual carriageway for the next 20 miles.
32. I want the London look, but my front teeth touch.
Shamelessly stolen for facebook. Hopefully my foreign friends will appreciate it. Have To Deal With In 2014
1. I met Rolf Harris as a child and he didn't try anything on. I am now thinking i must have been an ugly child.
2. I've just had to tell BT I want porn.
3. I can't go anywhere without being told to Keep Calm and do something.
4. I made eye contact with a stranger on the tube. We both looked away out of the window, and our reflections made eye
contact.
5. Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying "I think that's right."
6. Briefly opening the window and letting in fifty midges, twenty flies, seven bees, two pigeons and a fox.
7. Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed "cheers', "ta" and "nice one.'
8. Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change.
9. We have to opt in to view porn but we can't opt out of royal baby news.
10. I want to buy a cheap pair of tracksuit bottoms for the gym but every pair I find is expensive because chavs wear them as fashion items.
11. Prince George is a year old and has already visited half the countries I've always wanted to.
12. I get more text messages from my local Domino's, than any of my friends.
13. I pay £9000 to go to this university and they haven't even put Dyson Airblades in the toilets.
14. I wish to feed myself at Heathrow but do not want to go into debt.
15. I tutted at someone who pushed into the queue, and they turned and looked at me.
16. My 64 year old father has only just heard of Benedict Cumberbatch and thinks his name is so hilarious that he's constantly saying it aloud and chuckling to himself.
17. I got 5 minutes into one of Jamie's 30 Minute Meals then realised I'd forgotten to grow a herb garden in my kitchen
18. At £4.89, a ham sandwich, bag of crisps and bottle of water is neither a "meal or a •deal'.
19. I accidentally bought a bottle of Coke with "Richard" on it and now co-workers won't stop making jokes about a Dick in my
mouth.
20. Tesco want £2.50 for an empty jam jar..... On the next aisle they are charging 30p for the same jar filled with pickled onions.....
21. WHSmiths charge you 1 p for a plastic bag because they're being "environmentally conscious", then give you an entire tree's worth of receipts and discount vouchers.
22. We ran out of Yorkshire Tea bags at work so now I have to drink Tetley like some kind of animal.
23. If "Google Fiber" comes to the UK I worry they won't spell Fibre correctly.
24. The Canadians have stolen our stereotype of being polite, but we're too polite to make a fuss over it.
25. Every pub meal is now served on a f**king chopping board.
26. I told my friend to "pop round whenever" and she actually turned up unannounced.
27. Not knowing whether to search for "United Kingdom", "Great Britain" or "England" on drop down boxes.
28. Scientists have slaved for years to produce a sheet of material one atom thick. Unfortunately for them the makers of my bin bags beat them to it.
29. I always say "excuse me" when what I really mean is "Get the f**k out of my way you retarded c**t! What made you think that was a sensible place to stand you f**king w**ker?"
30. The three second jingle for BBC One on the iPlayer is significantly louder than the programmes.
31. Lorries travelling at 56.0023mph that feel a desperate urge to overtake other lorries that are travelling at 55.9981mph on the only stretch of dual carriageway for the next 20 miles.
32. I want the London look, but my front teeth touch.
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