Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Think my elderly neighbour must've got a new dog a couple of weeks ago? She called it a really weird name though - Help!
Thing is, I reckon she'd lost the damn thing within a few days too because all she was doing was calling it for a few days. All I could hear was "Help. Help. Heeelllp" for hours on end. Got pretty tedious to be honest.
Think she's found it now though as it haven't heard a peep for a few days. Glad it all worked out OK for her,
Thing is, I reckon she'd lost the damn thing within a few days too because all she was doing was calling it for a few days. All I could hear was "Help. Help. Heeelllp" for hours on end. Got pretty tedious to be honest.
Think she's found it now though as it haven't heard a peep for a few days. Glad it all worked out OK for her,
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
OK, it's crap, but it's Friday and late.
Enjoy the weekend guys.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
OK, it's crap, but it's Friday and late.
Enjoy the weekend guys.
A teacher is explaining biology to her year 4 pupils.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard! "
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back,
went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' ... And before he could say "F*ck", the
rottweiler ate him!"
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard! "
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back,
went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' ... And before he could say "F*ck", the
rottweiler ate him!"
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The
daughter said to her mother," My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.
"The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
"My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up. "
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold. "
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid..."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says
to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies,
"They make one hell of a mess when they defrost dont they?"
daughter said to her mother," My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.
"The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
"My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up. "
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold. "
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid..."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says
to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies,
"They make one hell of a mess when they defrost dont they?"
Milliband and Ed Balls were told by their spin doctors that they "had to get the votes form middle England"
They were told to forget the smart suits, fake smiles etc and go out and empathise with the middle England voters.
So, they popped down to Savile Row for a nice tweed suit and pair of brogues, borrowed Blunkett's labrador and fetched up in a quaint little village in Leicestershire.
Thinking the pub would be a start, in they went and ordered two pints of best ("No gins and tonics," said the spin doctor)
After about 5 minutes in walks the local farmer. he goes to the dog, lifts it's tail and then orders a pint.
The next customer is the local solicitor and he too lifts the labrador's tail and orders his pint.
The next client is the local undertaker and he too lifts the dog's tail and orders his pint.
Blair and Brown are bursting with curiosity at this strange behaviour and ask the landlord "Why do all these chaps lift the dog's tail before ordering a pint?"
"Because", replies the landlord, "there was a rumour going round the village this morning that a labrador dog with two ****holes" was coming to the village
They were told to forget the smart suits, fake smiles etc and go out and empathise with the middle England voters.
So, they popped down to Savile Row for a nice tweed suit and pair of brogues, borrowed Blunkett's labrador and fetched up in a quaint little village in Leicestershire.
Thinking the pub would be a start, in they went and ordered two pints of best ("No gins and tonics," said the spin doctor)
After about 5 minutes in walks the local farmer. he goes to the dog, lifts it's tail and then orders a pint.
The next customer is the local solicitor and he too lifts the labrador's tail and orders his pint.
The next client is the local undertaker and he too lifts the dog's tail and orders his pint.
Blair and Brown are bursting with curiosity at this strange behaviour and ask the landlord "Why do all these chaps lift the dog's tail before ordering a pint?"
"Because", replies the landlord, "there was a rumour going round the village this morning that a labrador dog with two ****holes" was coming to the village
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have
42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute
(If you've seen this one before and you've read every story in these posts may I suggest that you are not polishing your car(s) enough !)
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have
42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute
(If you've seen this one before and you've read every story in these posts may I suggest that you are not polishing your car(s) enough !)
silverfoxcc said:
Milliband and Ed Balls were told by their spin doctors that they "had to get the votes form middle England"
They were told to forget the smart suits, fake smiles etc and go out and empathise with the middle England voters.
So, they popped down to Savile Row for a nice tweed suit and pair of brogues, borrowed Blunkett's labrador and fetched up in a quaint little village in Leicestershire.
Thinking the pub would be a start, in they went and ordered two pints of best ("No gins and tonics," said the spin doctor)
After about 5 minutes in walks the local farmer. he goes to the dog, lifts it's tail and then orders a pint.
The next customer is the local solicitor and he too lifts the labrador's tail and orders his pint.
The next client is the local undertaker and he too lifts the dog's tail and orders his pint.
Blair and Brown are bursting with curiosity at this strange behaviour and ask the landlord "Why do all these chaps lift the dog's tail before ordering a pint?"
"Because", replies the landlord, "there was a rumour going round the village this morning that a labrador dog with two ****holes" was coming to the village
You'd think Tony & Gordon would at least have said "Hello" to Ed & Ed.They were told to forget the smart suits, fake smiles etc and go out and empathise with the middle England voters.
So, they popped down to Savile Row for a nice tweed suit and pair of brogues, borrowed Blunkett's labrador and fetched up in a quaint little village in Leicestershire.
Thinking the pub would be a start, in they went and ordered two pints of best ("No gins and tonics," said the spin doctor)
After about 5 minutes in walks the local farmer. he goes to the dog, lifts it's tail and then orders a pint.
The next customer is the local solicitor and he too lifts the labrador's tail and orders his pint.
The next client is the local undertaker and he too lifts the dog's tail and orders his pint.
Blair and Brown are bursting with curiosity at this strange behaviour and ask the landlord "Why do all these chaps lift the dog's tail before ordering a pint?"
"Because", replies the landlord, "there was a rumour going round the village this morning that a labrador dog with two ****holes" was coming to the village
silverfoxcc said:
Milliband and Ed Balls were told by their spin doctors that they "had to get the votes form middle England"
They were told to forget the smart suits, fake smiles etc and go out and empathise with the middle England voters.
So, they popped down to Savile Row for a nice tweed suit and pair of brogues, borrowed Blunkett's labrador and fetched up in a quaint little village in Leicestershire.
Thinking the pub would be a start, in they went and ordered two pints of best ("No gins and tonics," said the spin doctor)
After about 5 minutes in walks the local farmer. he goes to the dog, lifts it's tail and then orders a pint.
The next customer is the local solicitor and he too lifts the labrador's tail and orders his pint.
The next client is the local undertaker and he too lifts the dog's tail and orders his pint.
Blair and Brown are bursting with curiosity at this strange behaviour and ask the landlord "Why do all these chaps lift the dog's tail before ordering a pint?"
"Because", replies the landlord, "there was a rumour going round the village this morning that a labrador dog with two ****holes" was coming to the village
Surely that is four assholes....They were told to forget the smart suits, fake smiles etc and go out and empathise with the middle England voters.
So, they popped down to Savile Row for a nice tweed suit and pair of brogues, borrowed Blunkett's labrador and fetched up in a quaint little village in Leicestershire.
Thinking the pub would be a start, in they went and ordered two pints of best ("No gins and tonics," said the spin doctor)
After about 5 minutes in walks the local farmer. he goes to the dog, lifts it's tail and then orders a pint.
The next customer is the local solicitor and he too lifts the labrador's tail and orders his pint.
The next client is the local undertaker and he too lifts the dog's tail and orders his pint.
Blair and Brown are bursting with curiosity at this strange behaviour and ask the landlord "Why do all these chaps lift the dog's tail before ordering a pint?"
"Because", replies the landlord, "there was a rumour going round the village this morning that a labrador dog with two ****holes" was coming to the village
ks grannies?
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