Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

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Chunkymonkey71

13,015 posts

198 months

Thursday 14th August 2014
quotequote all
What's the difference between Mark Knopfler and Cliff Richard?

One is in Dire Straits, the other is in deep st!

Killer2005

19,639 posts

228 months

Thursday 14th August 2014
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Vipers said:
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
I laughed lots at this

Phil Dicky

7,162 posts

263 months

Friday 15th August 2014
quotequote all
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.  He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:  
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in Chelsea."  
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."  
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."  
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".     
Sarah replies, "Property ? ....….the asshole had a paper round!" 

cjb1

2,000 posts

151 months

Friday 15th August 2014
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birdcage said:
Some of these jokes are in very poor taste and I can't actually see how anyone who isn't a complete fool would find them funny....And thats not a joke or atempt at one by the way
You won't make yourself very puppyular coming on here with that attitude

Vaud

50,467 posts

155 months

Friday 15th August 2014
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birdcage said:
Some of these jokes are in very poor taste and I can't actually see how anyone who isn't a complete fool would find them funny....And thats not a joke or atempt at one by the way
I don't get it. What's the punchline?

Rotary Madness

2,285 posts

186 months

Friday 15th August 2014
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Im friends with Princess Dianna on XBOX Live, however she seems to spend most of her time on the dashboard...

LordHaveMurci

12,042 posts

169 months

Friday 15th August 2014
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Rotary Madness said:
Im friends with Princess Dianna on XBOX Live, however she seems to spend most of her time on the dashboard...
That really is scraping the bottom of the barrel.

cjb1

2,000 posts

151 months

Friday 15th August 2014
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LordHaveMurci said:
Rotary Madness said:
Im friends with Princess Dianna on XBOX Live, however she seems to spend most of her time on the dashboard...
That really is scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Agree.

OlberJ

14,101 posts

233 months

Friday 15th August 2014
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Too soon?

Mince joke, mind you.

Muhammed Al Fayed walks into a Spar...

vx220

2,689 posts

234 months

Saturday 16th August 2014
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Polygami

The art of parrot folding

Tindle

31 posts

202 months

Saturday 16th August 2014
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We're all going on a summer Holiday...

Not you Cliff

silverfoxcc

7,689 posts

145 months

Monday 18th August 2014
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Breaking news

In Portugal

13 yr old just tossed off cliff

Nom de ploom

4,890 posts

174 months

Monday 18th August 2014
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I wonder in all his time in Portugal if Cliff has ever been to Praia da Luz....


omgus

7,305 posts

175 months

Monday 18th August 2014
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^^^eekrofl

K12beano

20,854 posts

275 months

Tuesday 19th August 2014
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... East Fife 4 - Forfar 5 ...

XJSJohn

15,965 posts

219 months

Tuesday 19th August 2014
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K12beano said:
... East Fife 4 - Forfar 5 ...
RIP ... a "voice from my youth"

Monkeylegend

26,385 posts

231 months

Tuesday 19th August 2014
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Breaking news, "I think I will sell my hoover, it has just been collecting dust" has been voted best joke at the Edinburgh fringe.

We need to up our game to compete with jokes like that.

marshalla

15,902 posts

201 months

Tuesday 19th August 2014
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Hoover joke picks up award ? That's dyson with death.


Impasse

15,099 posts

241 months

Tuesday 19th August 2014
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That joke sucks.

oakdale

1,801 posts

202 months

Tuesday 19th August 2014
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These jokes aren't getting Henry better.
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