Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

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antspants

2,402 posts

176 months

Monday 25th August 2014
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nickphuket said:
Richard attenborough is dead, DAVID Attenborough , the naturalist is alive and well as far as I know!
That's a lot funnier than the joke laugh

Not that Richard is dead obviously frown

PoleDriver

28,645 posts

195 months

Tuesday 26th August 2014
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Richard Attenborough, actor and film maker has died!?

TheEnd

15,370 posts

189 months

Tuesday 26th August 2014
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Justin Cyder

12,624 posts

150 months

Tuesday 26th August 2014
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Me: Boss, I've got a probl-

Boss: There's no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

Me: OK, I've got a serious drinking opportunity.

ChemicalChaos

10,401 posts

161 months

Wednesday 27th August 2014
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LordHaveMurci

12,045 posts

170 months

Wednesday 27th August 2014
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A friend of mine moved into a new place at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators.

Just a little house warming present.

Pixelpeep7r

8,600 posts

143 months

Wednesday 27th August 2014
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LordHaveMurci said:
A friend of mine moved into a new place at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators.

Just a little house warming present.
have a lol from me smile

K12beano

20,854 posts

276 months

Wednesday 27th August 2014
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LordHaveMurci said:
A friend of mine moved into a new place at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators.

Just a little house warming present.
I hope that wasn't supposed to be a single entendre. Because it quite failed at that....

YankeePorker

4,769 posts

242 months

Thursday 28th August 2014
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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How
did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol,
my wife sh** on my face, bit off the end of my dick, and my neighbour
came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air."

YankeePorker

4,769 posts

242 months

Thursday 28th August 2014
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What's the similarity between boiled spinach and sodomy?

It doesn't matter how much butter you use, kids don't like them!

kowalski655

14,656 posts

144 months

Friday 29th August 2014
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Chap goes to the optician with eye problems(as you do),& reads the eye chart:

T-O-M
E-T-O-Y-O
U-T-O-M-E

"Ah",says the optician,"you have chucklevision"

GR4H4M

6 posts

225 months

Saturday 30th August 2014
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A fellow I once knew didn't know the difference between arson and incest.......he ended up setting fire to his sister!

PoleDriver

28,645 posts

195 months

Sunday 31st August 2014
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I thought he would have been overwhelmed with a burning desire to shag her!

GR4H4M

6 posts

225 months

Sunday 31st August 2014
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A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 'sand' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?

'Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'box' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant unadulterated racial discrimination to me' ..............

I tell you what, if you can write "blatant unadulterated racial discrimination" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit



Edited by GR4H4M on Sunday 31st August 17:19

Thom981

7 posts

117 months

Monday 1st September 2014
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I bought Prince's Greatest Hits box set the other day. It was 20 quid but I partied like it was £19.99.

HereBeMonsters

14,180 posts

183 months

Tuesday 2nd September 2014
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Thom981 said:
I bought Prince's Greatest Hits box set the other day. It was 20 quid but I partied like it was £19.99.
lol

LordHaveMurci

12,045 posts

170 months

Tuesday 2nd September 2014
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Thom981 said:
I bought Prince's Greatest Hits box set the other day. It was 20 quid but I partied like it was £19.99.
Nicked for Facebook biggrin

McAndy

12,486 posts

178 months

Tuesday 2nd September 2014
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Thom981 said:
I bought Prince's Greatest Hits box set the other day. It was 20 quid but I partied like it was £19.99.
Oxymoronic.

VladD

7,859 posts

266 months

Tuesday 2nd September 2014
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McAndy said:
Thom981 said:
I bought Prince's Greatest Hits box set the other day. It was 20 quid but I partied like it was £19.99.
Oxymoronic.
You Belieber's are so narrow minded.

I had a mate who tried to shag a bull instead of a cow. Now that was Oxymoronic

Edited by VladD on Tuesday 2nd September 14:21

VladD

7,859 posts

266 months

Tuesday 2nd September 2014
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I used to hate Justin Beiber. His music was awful and he behaved like a brat. But then I saw his face....
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