Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."
"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.
"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside.
"Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we're privates," says Paddy.
"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lass’s comes up to Mick.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"
"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."
"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.
"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside.
"Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we're privates," says Paddy.
"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lass’s comes up to Mick.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"
"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "
schmunk said:
VladD said:
Asterix said:
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Bob Monkhouse I believe.He's rather prolific.
^^^ 
^^^
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard, Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
^^^A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard, Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
A Drover appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit ?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the Stockman offered.
'On a trip out the back of Longreach in Western Queensland, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I asked them very nicely to leave her alone, but the mongrels wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked him in the arse, knocked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, 'Now, back off you b
ds or I'll kick the st out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'A couple of minutes ago’.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit ?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the Stockman offered.
'On a trip out the back of Longreach in Western Queensland, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I asked them very nicely to leave her alone, but the mongrels wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked him in the arse, knocked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, 'Now, back off you b
ds or I'll kick the st out of all of you!'St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'A couple of minutes ago’.
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