Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
There might be a few young'uns on here that have not heard this one, so...
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.
Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read: "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.
Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read: "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Vipers said:
So I said to my girlfriend, "Do you ever watch magic shows"
She said "Yes"
I said "Do you agree the hand is quicker than the eye"
She said "Yes"
I said "Good, then give me a w
k while I don't look"
deaf and blind man says to his wife, if you want sex just tug my willy.She said "Yes"
I said "Do you agree the hand is quicker than the eye"
She said "Yes"
I said "Good, then give me a w
k while I don't look"Then he said, If you don't want sex, tug it 70 times.
Alex Salmond walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Salmond :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Alex Salmond, the leader of the Scottish National Party and First Minister of Scotland !!!!"
Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Salmond : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Salmond , but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Salmond :"C'mon lassie . I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Salmond, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Salmond , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?
Salmond stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind.............. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr. Salmond ?
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Salmond :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Alex Salmond, the leader of the Scottish National Party and First Minister of Scotland !!!!"
Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Salmond : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Salmond , but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Salmond :"C'mon lassie . I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Salmond, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Salmond , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?
Salmond stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind.............. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr. Salmond ?
An Australian Poetry Competition held in the Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists;
A) A university graduate.
B) An old aboriginal.
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu
The crowd went crazy !. No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three wes in a pop up tent
They were three, and we were two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu ..
A) A university graduate.
B) An old aboriginal.
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu
The crowd went crazy !. No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three w
es in a pop up tentThey were three, and we were two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu ..
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