Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Original Message -----
From: Lesley and Peter
To: Lesley and Peter
Sent: Monday, September 15, 2014 5:19 PM
Subject: FW: ** Bedroom Golf
An old one.
Bedroom golf... Here are the rules of the game.
1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - Men - one club and two balls.
2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine..
14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
16. Should the course be closed for repairs and maintenance (normally once a month) The player can take the time and do some maintenance on his club by cleaning the shaft.
Phil Dicky said:
Original Message -----
From: Lesley and Peter
To: Lesley and Peter
Sent: Monday, September 15, 2014 5:19 PM
Subject: FW: ** Bedroom Golf
An old one.
Bedroom golf... Here are the rules of the game.
1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - Men - one club and two balls.
2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine..
14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
16. Should the course be closed for repairs and maintenance (normally once a month) The player can take the time and do some maintenance on his club by cleaning the shaft.
What do you call a gifted ladyboy??
Wang Hung Long.
When I was drunk I asked a cat if it knew how to speak. The cat looked at me and said:
"Me? How?"
My boss inserted 6 toy horses up his backside, he ended up going to the doctor as he was in immense pain.
He is in hospital now, doctors describe his condition as stable.
Wang Hung Long.
When I was drunk I asked a cat if it knew how to speak. The cat looked at me and said:
"Me? How?"
My boss inserted 6 toy horses up his backside, he ended up going to the doctor as he was in immense pain.
He is in hospital now, doctors describe his condition as stable.
Possibly an oldie but...
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the asshole had a paper round.
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the asshole had a paper round.
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