Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[VladD]

Pixelpeep7r said:

PoleDriver said:

When did the Englishman and Welshman become a Cowboy and an Indian?

builders and immigration

and now this is a joke thread again.

[PoleDriver]

Pixelpeep7r said:

PoleDriver said:

When did the Englishman and Welshman become a Cowboy and an Indian?

builders and immigration

[jbudgie]

-Pete- said:

Un Ionised

Union-ised

It's not funny... like most of the stuff on this thread.

It's a chemists joke ---we love it .

[Vipers]

jbudgie said:

-Pete- said:

Un Ionised

Union-ised

It's not funny... like most of the stuff on this thread.

It's a chemists joke ---we love it .

Herse going up hill, hits a bump, the back door opens and the coffin falls out.

It slides down hill straight into a chemist shop and hits the counter.

The top falls off.

The chemist Leans over and says "Can I help you sir"

The guy sits up and says "Have you anything to stop my coughing".

[jbudgie]

Vipers said:

jbudgie said:

-Pete- said:

Un Ionised

Union-ised

It's not funny... like most of the stuff on this thread.

It's a chemists joke ---we love it .

Herse going up hill, hits a bump, the back door opens and the coffin falls out.

It slides down hill straight into a chemist shop and hits the counter.

The top falls off.

The chemist Leans over and says "Can I help you sir"

The guy sits up and says "Have you anything to stop my coughing".

Nope that's an undertakers joke -- good effort.

[fttm]

HEARSE

[BrassMan]

RDMcG said:

kowalski655 said:

BrassMan said:

Some deja vu.

Did you forget you posted that yesterday?

Must have been an oversight

I would blame my i-pad, but this is an acer.

[derektrimblitz]

KareemK said:

Sh*t

I thought that was 'The Wurzels'

[Vipers]

fttm said:

HEARSE

OMG the spill chequers, cheers

Anyway Ethel's husband, a road sweeper, is struck by a bus and is killed.

Ethel sees him in the morgue and says to the undertaker, "Oh my poor Sid, he would have liked to have gone in a suit, not his overalls"

"No worries leave it to me"

On the day of the funeral, there is Sid laid out in a swanking three piece suit.

After the funeral the widow approaches the undertaker and says -

"Thank you so much for laying my Sid out in a lovely suit, here's fifty quid for the suit"

"Madam, I couldnt possibly accept that"

"But I insist"

"Madam, believe me its no problem, all we do is swap the heads over"

[Vipers]

Well it made me chuckle

[f1dget]

GOG440 said:

As far as I can tell, you missed one.

Tragedy on the cliff by Eileen Dover

I didn't see Knock Knock by Isabel Workin on the list either.

[ChemicalChaos]

I hate those pushy people that bang on your door, calling for you to be saved or you'll burn.

Bloody firefighters......

[Kenty]

The Devil walks into a crowded bar.
When the people see who it is, they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says, "Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

[Lordbenny]

Vipers said:

Herse going up hill, hits a bump, the back door opens and the coffin falls out.

It slides down hill straight into a chemist shop and hits the counter.

The top falls off.

The chemist Leans over and says "Can I help you sir"

The guy sits up and says "Have you anything to stop my coughing".

I don't get this joke at all

The coffin had stopped in the chemist shop so there's no play on the words coffin/coughing

Maybe I'm missing something in that the guy in the coffin is still alive and has got a cough?

[Vipers]

Lordbenny said:

Vipers said:

Herse going up hill, hits a bump, the back door opens and the coffin falls out.

It slides down hill straight into a chemist shop and hits the counter.

The top falls off.

The chemist Leans over and says "Can I help you sir"

The guy sits up and says "Have you anything to stop my coughing".

I don't get this joke at all

The coffin had stopped in the chemist shop so there's no play on the words coffin/coughing

Maybe I'm missing something in that the guy in the coffin is still alive and has got a cough?

The coffin is in a chemists shop, he asks the pharmacist "Have you anything to stop my coffin", having slid down the hill.

Oh never mind, I am sure something will come along soon which will tickle your chuckle buds.

[Lordbenny]

Vipers said:

Lordbenny said:

Vipers said:

Herse going up hill, hits a bump, the back door opens and the coffin falls out.

It slides down hill straight into a chemist shop and hits the counter.

The top falls off.

The chemist Leans over and says "Can I help you sir"

The guy sits up and says "Have you anything to stop my coughing".

I don't get this joke at all

The coffin had stopped in the chemist shop so there's no play on the words coffin/coughing

Maybe I'm missing something in that the guy in the coffin is still alive and has got a cough?

The coffin is in a chemists shop, he asks the pharmacist "Have you anything to stop my coffin", having slid down the hill.

Oh never mind, I am sure something will come along soon which will tickle your chuckle buds.

But you said 'stop my coughing' originally which made no sense that's all!

And the coffin had obviously already stopped!

Jokes sometimes don't translate when they're in print I suppose.

[Evangelion]

I always thought he said,

"Have you anything to stop me coffin?"

[Vipers]

Evangelion said:

I always thought he said,

"Have you anything to stop me coffin?"

Probably right.

Another old corney joke was when Lady Diana went into Boots, the guy behind the counter said

"Can I help you"

Diana said "Have you seen my prints". (prints, prince - I said it was corney)

[davhill]

That used to be a princess (any princess would do), waiting for her pics to show up in the post.

She sang, "Some day my prints will come."

[General Price]

My Chinese neighbour told me he had just opened a crows shop




I said,surely you mean a clothes shop





No he said,a crows shop





Come in and have a rook.