Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement ...and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he is my right-hand man, and he is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f
k off."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f
k off."
Pixelpeep7r said:
LordHaveMurci said:
"McCann Twitter troll found dead in hotel room".
Her parents said they only left her for a short time while they went out for dinner.
What time do you have? I make it 15:10.Her parents said they only left her for a short time while they went out for dinner.
I'll check back at 16:10.
i predict that, along with this, will be missing
Monkeylegend said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
LordHaveMurci said:
"McCann Twitter troll found dead in hotel room".
Her parents said they only left her for a short time while they went out for dinner.
What time do you have? I make it 15:10.Her parents said they only left her for a short time while they went out for dinner.
I'll check back at 16:10.
i predict that, along with this, will be missing
I was wrong.
happy to be wrong!
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. She usually slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.
"Tell me, Mary, who created the Universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary.
The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.
And the teacher said, "Very good." and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half."
"Tell me, Mary, who created the Universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary.
The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.
And the teacher said, "Very good." and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half."
Two tourists are visiting The Vatican and the Pope appears at a window, spreading his arms and addressing the crowd. "Can you hear what he's saying?" says one. "Not a thing", replies his companion, "tomorrow we'll come earlier and get nearer the front". So next day they're in the middle of the crowd and it's the same thing - "Hear anything?" "No, let's be really early tomorrow". So next day they're right up the front and the Pope appears and spreads his arms and says to the crowd, "get off my fking lawn".
king lawn".Halmyre said:
Two tourists are visiting The Vatican and the Pope appears at a window, spreading his arms and addressing the crowd. "Can you hear what he's saying?" says one. "Not a thing", replies his companion, "tomorrow we'll come earlier and get nearer the front". So next day they're in the middle of the crowd and it's the same thing - "Hear anything?" "No, let's be really early tomorrow". So next day they're right up the front and the Pope appears and spreads his arms and says to the crowd, "get off my fking lawn".
I like it, just waiting for someone to say he hasn't got a lawn.king lawn".Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff