Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Halmyre said:
Dear God, have we sunk to this level?
What do you call a deer with one eye missing? No eye dear.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.
What do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas.
I think we sank to the level of your deer joke two or three pages ago?What do you call a deer with one eye missing? No eye dear.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.
What do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas.
Keep up at the back!!!
A man walk up to a ticket counter in Kings Cross Station.
MAN: (In a bunged-up voice) "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plis."
TICKET GUY: "Sorry, sir?"
MAN: "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plisss!"
TICKET GUY: (produces a packet of sweets) "You should try these, sir. New cherry menthol Tunes!"
MAN: "Why? Will they cure my Down Syndrome?"
MAN: (In a bunged-up voice) "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plis."
TICKET GUY: "Sorry, sir?"
MAN: "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plisss!"
TICKET GUY: (produces a packet of sweets) "You should try these, sir. New cherry menthol Tunes!"
MAN: "Why? Will they cure my Down Syndrome?"
Halmyre said:
Dear God, have we sunk to this level?
What do you call a deer with one eye missing? No eye dear.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.
What do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.What do you call a deer with one eye missing? No eye dear.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.
What do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas.
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
In ancient Israel a long time ago
It came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a good looking, long legged and shapely woman. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Damascus Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drum sticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
and THAT is how it all began.
And that's the truth??
From and unknown source
It came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a good looking, long legged and shapely woman. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Damascus Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drum sticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
and THAT is how it all began.
And that's the truth??
From and unknown source
carpetsoiler said:
A man walk up to a ticket counter in Kings Cross Station.
MAN: (In a bunged-up voice) "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plis."
TICKET GUY: "Sorry, sir?"
MAN: "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plisss!"
TICKET GUY: (produces a packet of sweets) "You should try these, sir. New cherry menthol Tunes!"
MAN: "Why? Will they cure my Down Syndrome?"
Please try to explain to me why you think that is funny.MAN: (In a bunged-up voice) "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plis."
TICKET GUY: "Sorry, sir?"
MAN: "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plisss!"
TICKET GUY: (produces a packet of sweets) "You should try these, sir. New cherry menthol Tunes!"
MAN: "Why? Will they cure my Down Syndrome?"
oakdale said:
carpetsoiler said:
A man walk up to a ticket counter in Kings Cross Station.
MAN: (In a bunged-up voice) "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plis."
TICKET GUY: "Sorry, sir?"
MAN: "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plisss!"
TICKET GUY: (produces a packet of sweets) "You should try these, sir. New cherry menthol Tunes!"
MAN: "Why? Will they cure my Down Syndrome?"
Please try to explain to me why you think that is funny.MAN: (In a bunged-up voice) "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plis."
TICKET GUY: "Sorry, sir?"
MAN: "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plisss!"
TICKET GUY: (produces a packet of sweets) "You should try these, sir. New cherry menthol Tunes!"
MAN: "Why? Will they cure my Down Syndrome?"
carpetsoiler said:
A man walk up to a ticket counter in Kings Cross Station.
MAN: (In a bunged-up voice) "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plis."
TICKET GUY: "Sorry, sir?"
MAN: "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plisss!"
TICKET GUY: (produces a packet of sweets) "You should try these, sir. New cherry menthol Tunes!"
MAN: "Why? Will they cure my Down Syndrome?"
Why does the 'MAN' voice suddenly clarify in the last sentence? Clearly the Tunes worked...MAN: (In a bunged-up voice) "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plis."
TICKET GUY: "Sorry, sir?"
MAN: "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plisss!"
TICKET GUY: (produces a packet of sweets) "You should try these, sir. New cherry menthol Tunes!"
MAN: "Why? Will they cure my Down Syndrome?"
There were these two guys having lunch one day when the first guy says to the second one, "You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something else?"
"How do you mean?" says the second one.
"Well last week I was at the airport in Philly and I wanted to come back here to Pittsburgh and the women at the counter had these enormous breasts so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh."
"I know what you mean.", says the second guy. "Why just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the jelly but instead I said 'You're ruining my life you stupid b
h!'"
"How do you mean?" says the second one.
"Well last week I was at the airport in Philly and I wanted to come back here to Pittsburgh and the women at the counter had these enormous breasts so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh."
"I know what you mean.", says the second guy. "Why just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the jelly but instead I said 'You're ruining my life you stupid b
h!'"
Very good, it just needs three people to repeat the whole story in full with a smiley face underneath so that we can all enjoy it to the full.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff