Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
An old man goes to the barbers for a shave, he tells the barber he won't be able to get every whisker due to the wrinkles in his skin, so the barber gives the old man a small wooden ball to put in his mouth, stretching his skin, he then proceeds to give the old man the best shave of his life, "that's great" says the old man "but what would have happened if I had swallowed the ball?" The barber replies "you just bring it back in a few days like everyone else does"!
You just know there's a pregnant teenager somewhere that thinks Ebola would be the perfect name for their child.
Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea, and is very difficult to get rid of.
Is it a virus or a free U2 album?
s
tting myself about this Ebola virus, which is worrying because that's one of the symptoms!
Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea, and is very difficult to get rid of.
Is it a virus or a free U2 album?
s
tting myself about this Ebola virus, which is worrying because that's one of the symptoms!
Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realises she is not wearing any knickers. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, I won't look", Paddy replies.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented. Watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.
Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over to sit next to her.
She smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding! You mean it can whistle as well?
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realises she is not wearing any knickers. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, I won't look", Paddy replies.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented. Watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.
Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over to sit next to her.
She smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding! You mean it can whistle as well?
DHE said:
Gargamel said:
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
Somebody else listening to Simon Mayo today then.Go for the juggler.
vx220 said:
mybrainhurts said:
How do you attack a hostile gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Surely this should be "how do you kill a circus?"Go for the juggler.
Guy sitting outside the Doctors surgery looking sad.
I ask "You ok mate?" He replies, "Na, I`ve got the big C"
"Cancer?" I asked? He says "No Dyslexia".
If anyone if affected by this Joke they can contact the BJD (The British Dyslexia Foundation) for hlep.
Edited by bigkeeko on Tuesday 14th October 00:11
bigkeeko said:
Guy sitting outside the Doctors surgery looking sad.
I ask "You ok mate?" He replies, "Na, I`ve got the big C"
"Cancer?" I asked? He says "No Dyslexia".
If anyone if affected by this Joke they can contact the BJD (The British Dyslexia Foundation) for hlep.
- Why are you so sad?I ask "You ok mate?" He replies, "Na, I`ve got the big C"
"Cancer?" I asked? He says "No Dyslexia".
If anyone if affected by this Joke they can contact the BJD (The British Dyslexia Foundation) for hlep.
Edited by bigkeeko on Tuesday 14th October 00:11
A mate of mine died yesterday
- Oh, I'm sorry. How did he die?
The big C
- Cancer?
No, he was walking out of Currys when the sign fell off the front of the shop
ChemicalChaos said:
bigkeeko said:
Guy sitting outside the Doctors surgery looking sad.
I ask "You ok mate?" He replies, "Na, I`ve got the big C"
"Cancer?" I asked? He says "No Dyslexia".
If anyone if affected by this Joke they can contact the BJD (The British Dyslexia Foundation) for hlep.
- Why are you so sad?I ask "You ok mate?" He replies, "Na, I`ve got the big C"
"Cancer?" I asked? He says "No Dyslexia".
If anyone if affected by this Joke they can contact the BJD (The British Dyslexia Foundation) for hlep.
Edited by bigkeeko on Tuesday 14th October 00:11
A mate of mine died yesterday
- Oh, I'm sorry. How did he die?
The big C
- Cancer?
No, he was walking out of Currys when the sign fell off the front of the shop
Dragged out to sea by a giant crab.
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming to you Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at 80 to 1!"
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming to you Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at 80 to 1!"
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