Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[Monkey boy 1]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said,
'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mothers’ just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And there ain’t no way I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bike.'

[strummerville]

What do Guardian readers eat with their tea?



I'd like to think it was a joke, but I doubt it. (Taken from Twitter)

[Vipers]

E-Mail Note from a man in Sheffield to his friend in Birmingham:

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in its centre.

Now, the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I've never felt safer.

[soad]

I tried to catch some fog earlier.
I mist.

[Hooli]

soad said:

I tried to catch some fog earlier.
I mist.

Groan.










and stolen

[Pixelpeep7r]

Hooli said:

soad said:

I tried to catch some fog earlier.
I mist.

Groan.










and stolen

lol +1

[Vipers]

Pixelpeep7r said:

RJO said:

Back in the day I think it used to be the milkman, but we don't have them any more, do we.

we do. Kinda...

milk and more

I remember the electric milk floats, when the milkman would walk in front holding like a tiller to steer it, had two back wheels and only one front wheel, I remember when he turned too quickly and it toppled over, talk about crying over spilt milk

One of these:

Edited by Vipers on Tuesday 21st October 18:48

[DUMBO100]

I thought this was the Sean Connery joke thread so I brought this. Where does Sean like to gamble?

[ShaunOfCalder]

The irony is that Oscar Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.

[MrCarPark]

ShaunOfCalder said:

The irony is that Oscar Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.

[slopes]

ShaunOfCalder said:

The irony is that Oscar Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.

[LordHaveMurci]

Have another one

[K12beano]

I THINK IT A SCANDAL THAT MY DOCTOR'S GOING TO GET.....



.....uh(?)... I've forgotten what he's going to get now..... Who?

[soad]

I saw a cougar.

In leopard-print tights.

Driving a Jaguar.

No lion.

[slopes]

K12beano said:

I THINK IT A SCANDAL THAT MY DOCTOR'S GOING TO GET.....



.....uh(?)... I've forgotten what he's going to get now..... Who?

[PoleDriver]

slopes said:

K12beano said:

I THINK IT A SCANDAL THAT MY DOCTOR'S GOING TO GET.....



.....uh(?)... I've forgotten what he's going to get now..... Who?

[Halmyre]

PoleDriver said:

slopes said:

K12beano said:

I THINK IT A SCANDAL THAT MY DOCTOR'S GOING TO GET.....



.....uh(?)... I've forgotten what he's going to get now..... Who?

Me no get it...

[Monkeylegend]

Halmyre said:

PoleDriver said:

slopes said:

K12beano said:

I THINK IT A SCANDAL THAT MY DOCTOR'S GOING TO GET.....



.....uh(?)... I've forgotten what he's going to get now..... Who?

Me no get it...

You not a Doctor then?

[Vaud]

Monkeylegend said:

Halmyre said:

PoleDriver said:

slopes said:

K12beano said:

I THINK IT A SCANDAL THAT MY DOCTOR'S GOING TO GET.....



.....uh(?)... I've forgotten what he's going to get now..... Who?

Me no get it...

You not a Doctor then?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-29718618

HTH

[RobinBanks]

DUMBO100 said:

I thought this was the Sean Connery joke thread so I brought this. Where does Sean like to gamble?

I like this one