Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
It is daddy's access day and he is in the town centre with his daughter.
Daddy needs to visit the barbers for a trim and decides to buy his daughter some sweets to keep her occupied whilst waiting for him.
Whilst in the chair getting his hair sorted his daughter is tucking into her sweets, some of which have fallen on the floor but she managed to pick up again.
Whilst holding a lolly which had fallen the barber looked over and suddenly called out "Hey love, I see you have a hair on your sweetie".
"I know" she replied, "and I am getting my first bra this week too".
Daddy needs to visit the barbers for a trim and decides to buy his daughter some sweets to keep her occupied whilst waiting for him.
Whilst in the chair getting his hair sorted his daughter is tucking into her sweets, some of which have fallen on the floor but she managed to pick up again.
Whilst holding a lolly which had fallen the barber looked over and suddenly called out "Hey love, I see you have a hair on your sweetie".
"I know" she replied, "and I am getting my first bra this week too".
Teacher asked her class to give her a sentence using the word "nice" twice.
"Miss! Miss" called little Johnny waving his hand in the air.
Teacher ignored him and looked around for someone else.
"Yes, Poppy?"
"Please, miss, I have a nice family and live in a nice house."
"That's lovely, Poppy, thank you. Anyone else?"
"Me, miss! Me, miss!" called little Johnny almost out of his chair.
She looked around the class. "Yes, Oscar?"
"Please, miss, I go to a nice school and have a nice teacher."
"Oh, how kind, Oscar. Thank you. Anyone else?"
"Miss!! Miss!! Me, miss!! Me, miss!!" yelled little Johnny.
The teacher sighed and said, reluctantly, "Yes, Johnny?"
"Please, miss, we were sitting in front of the telly last night and my sister said, "Dad, I'm pregnant," and he said, "Oh, that's nice. That's f
king nice.""
"Miss! Miss" called little Johnny waving his hand in the air.
Teacher ignored him and looked around for someone else.
"Yes, Poppy?"
"Please, miss, I have a nice family and live in a nice house."
"That's lovely, Poppy, thank you. Anyone else?"
"Me, miss! Me, miss!" called little Johnny almost out of his chair.
She looked around the class. "Yes, Oscar?"
"Please, miss, I go to a nice school and have a nice teacher."
"Oh, how kind, Oscar. Thank you. Anyone else?"
"Miss!! Miss!! Me, miss!! Me, miss!!" yelled little Johnny.
The teacher sighed and said, reluctantly, "Yes, Johnny?"
"Please, miss, we were sitting in front of the telly last night and my sister said, "Dad, I'm pregnant," and he said, "Oh, that's nice. That's f
king nice.""DickyC said:
Teacher asked her class to give her a sentence using the word "nice" twice.
"Miss! Miss" called little Johnny waving his hand in the air.
Teacher ignored him and looked around for someone else.
"Yes, Poppy?"
"Please, miss, I have a nice family and live in a nice house."
"That's lovely, Poppy, thank you. Anyone else?"
"Me, miss! Me, miss!" called little Johnny almost out of his chair.
She looked around the class. "Yes, Oscar?"
"Please, miss, I go to a nice school and have a nice teacher."
"Oh, how kind, Oscar. Thank you. Anyone else?"
"Miss!! Miss!! Me, miss!! Me, miss!!" yelled little Johnny.
The teacher sighed and said, reluctantly, "Yes, Johnny?"
"Please, miss, we were sitting in front of the telly last night and my sister said, "Dad, I'm pregnant," and he said, "Oh, that's nice. That's fking nice.""
He used nice once in each of two sentences, so Johnny only gets 5/10 poor effort. "Miss! Miss" called little Johnny waving his hand in the air.
Teacher ignored him and looked around for someone else.
"Yes, Poppy?"
"Please, miss, I have a nice family and live in a nice house."
"That's lovely, Poppy, thank you. Anyone else?"
"Me, miss! Me, miss!" called little Johnny almost out of his chair.
She looked around the class. "Yes, Oscar?"
"Please, miss, I go to a nice school and have a nice teacher."
"Oh, how kind, Oscar. Thank you. Anyone else?"
"Miss!! Miss!! Me, miss!! Me, miss!!" yelled little Johnny.
The teacher sighed and said, reluctantly, "Yes, Johnny?"
"Please, miss, we were sitting in front of the telly last night and my sister said, "Dad, I'm pregnant," and he said, "Oh, that's nice. That's f
king nice.""
Hooli said:
I found these gems in an antique shop...
How do you get a one armed Essex girl out of a tree?
Wave.
What does an Essex girl use for protection?
A bus shelter.
Why do Essex girls like adjustable steering wheels?
More headroom.
Q. What's the difference between a Walrus and an Essex Girl?How do you get a one armed Essex girl out of a tree?
Wave.
What does an Essex girl use for protection?
A bus shelter.
Why do Essex girls like adjustable steering wheels?
More headroom.
A. One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.
Q. How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
A. Five. One to stir the mixture and four to peel the smarties.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl with an IQ of 150?
A. Basildon
Q. What's the similarity between Essex girls and carpenters?
A: They both have saws in their box
Q. What's the difference between a computer and an Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.
Q. What does the label in an Essex girls knickers say?
A. NEXT!
Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl?
A. There has actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
Q. What is the difference between an Essex Girl and a Cream Egg
A. It costs more than 20p to lick out a cream egg!
Q. How do you confuse an Essex girl?
A. You don't. They're born that way.
Q. What do a Ford Escort door and an Essex girl have in common?
A. The more you bang them, the looser they get.
Q. What do you call an Essex girl in a white shell suit?
A. The bride
Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on
the ass and say, "You're next!"
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What do women and prawns have in common?
A. Their heads are full of s
t but the pink bits taste greatQ: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself!!
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night
Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian
A: "Vagitarian"
Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.
Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.
Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness"
Q: What have BT and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the s
t out of the dog.Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.
Q: What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?
A: They're both OK for a ride until your mates find out.
Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A: Buy her some flowers.
Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
After watching a magic show on TV one evening little Johnny turned to his father and asked him if he knew any magic tricks he could show him.
'I don't son, go and ask your mother' ...came the reply.
So off johnny went to and asked his mother the same question.
Again the reply was a negative however his mother suggested Johnny go and visit their elderly next door neighbour Mr Jones.
Excitedly, Johnny ran straight out of the house and to Mr Jones'.
A quick knock on the door and old Mr Jones answers....
'Good afternoon Johnny, what can i do for you?'
'Mammy said youd know some magic tricks you can show me!!!!'
'Ahhhh yes i do Johnny, yes i do! Why dont you come on in...'
So in went Johnny and Mr Jones proceeded to lead him into his garden shed.
Once inside Mr Jones closed the door and said...
'Right, now Johnny, i want you to bend over that work bench and pull your trousers and pants down'
A little bit apprehensively Johnny did as he was told in the hope of seeing some magic he so desperately wanted to.
Mr Jones stood behind little Johnny, and after a few uncomfortable seconds, asked Johnny...
'Can you feel my finger up your ass?...'
A slightly confused and puzzled Johnny replied with
'yes i can'
That was when Mr Jones reached around and waved both of his hands in front of Little Johnny's face and said...
'Now that's magic!'
'I don't son, go and ask your mother' ...came the reply.
So off johnny went to and asked his mother the same question.
Again the reply was a negative however his mother suggested Johnny go and visit their elderly next door neighbour Mr Jones.
Excitedly, Johnny ran straight out of the house and to Mr Jones'.
A quick knock on the door and old Mr Jones answers....
'Good afternoon Johnny, what can i do for you?'
'Mammy said youd know some magic tricks you can show me!!!!'
'Ahhhh yes i do Johnny, yes i do! Why dont you come on in...'
So in went Johnny and Mr Jones proceeded to lead him into his garden shed.
Once inside Mr Jones closed the door and said...
'Right, now Johnny, i want you to bend over that work bench and pull your trousers and pants down'
A little bit apprehensively Johnny did as he was told in the hope of seeing some magic he so desperately wanted to.
Mr Jones stood behind little Johnny, and after a few uncomfortable seconds, asked Johnny...
'Can you feel my finger up your ass?...'
A slightly confused and puzzled Johnny replied with
'yes i can'
That was when Mr Jones reached around and waved both of his hands in front of Little Johnny's face and said...
'Now that's magic!'
Applogies if I offended anyone. 
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