Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Halmyre said:
Chim said:
Gaspode said:
Evangelion said:
McAndy said:
vx220 said:
Undirection said:
Was late to my first Fight Club last night. I missed the rules at the start but Fight Club was awesome. I'd recommend Fight CLub to anyone.
Very good
Little girl sees a dead bird laying on its back, legs up in the garden
She asked her daddy what it meant.
"Honey, the poor bird has died and has gone to heaven.
That evening as daddy came home, the little girl rushed out and said
"Daddy Daddy, mummy nearly died today"
"What do you mean"
"Well she was lying on the bed on her back with her legs up in the air, and if the postman hadnt held her down she would have died and gone to,heaven"
She asked her daddy what it meant.
"Honey, the poor bird has died and has gone to heaven.
That evening as daddy came home, the little girl rushed out and said
"Daddy Daddy, mummy nearly died today"
"What do you mean"
"Well she was lying on the bed on her back with her legs up in the air, and if the postman hadnt held her down she would have died and gone to,heaven"
Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border
and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."
From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says
"Dat's Da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks,
"Do ya tink maybe DA sign should just say,……. 'Bridge Out?' “
and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."
From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says
"Dat's Da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks,
"Do ya tink maybe DA sign should just say,……. 'Bridge Out?' “
Apparently a plane carrying U2's Bono from Dublin to Germany suffered a malfunctioning door which opened and fell off along with two items on board the craft.
Investigators are currently looking for Bono's talent and creativity.
Meanwhile Air Accident Investigators are looking for the door and the two items of luggage.
Investigators are currently looking for Bono's talent and creativity.
Meanwhile Air Accident Investigators are looking for the door and the two items of luggage.
A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin answered: "I wanna start out as a Marine Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest w
e, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson .. . . .
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin’s we."
Little Kevin answered: "I wanna start out as a Marine Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest w
e, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson .. . . .
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin’s w
e."Frimley111R said:
Tycho said:
I went to the shop and said, "I need a battery so I can tell the time."
The man said, "Is it for a clock?"
I said, "I don't bloody know, that's why I asked you for a battery!!
Maybe its been a long day but...?????The man said, "Is it for a clock?"
I said, "I don't bloody know, that's why I asked you for a battery!!
"Is it FOUR oclock".
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired trips to Wally World to look at the "Walmartians" is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.
But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"
"No," I replied.
"Then are you wearing that cap?"
S"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."
I thought this was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936,"
I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it."
This was beginning to be way too much fun!
"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. L
"How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw the guy leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.
What a great time I had!
Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
Vipers said:
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired trips to Wally World to look at the "Walmartians" is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
What is this American nonsense? How is it a joke?Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
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