Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Vipers said:
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Alabama backwoods.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
Did he hear the shot when the fight broke out?As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
Edited by Ayahuasca on Saturday 20th December 14:22
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."
"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?""
First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is OSCAR PISTORIUS?" asked Pinocchio.
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."
"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?""
First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is OSCAR PISTORIUS?" asked Pinocchio.
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