Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
A man was traveling to Australia when the plane crashed on a remote tropical island, and he discovered himself to be the only survivor, along with a dog and a sheep.
After learning how to survive, they developed a tradition of watching the sun set together over the ocean, from a cliff with a gorgeous view. One night, feeling amorous, the fellow sidled up next to the sheep; the dog didn't like this and growled, and the guy backed off.
He tried again the following night, with similar results. In fact he tried every night, but always the dog stopped him.
A week later, after a shipwreck, a lone survivor washed ashore; the most beautiful young woman the lonely man had ever seen.
He taught her how they survived on the island, and invited her to join the nightly tradition of watching the sun set from the cliff.
She joined the trio and sat down to watch the sun sink down. The man, feeling amorous again, hatched a brilliant idea. He sat down next to the young woman and, leaning close, whispered into her ear, "I don't mean to impose, but would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
After learning how to survive, they developed a tradition of watching the sun set together over the ocean, from a cliff with a gorgeous view. One night, feeling amorous, the fellow sidled up next to the sheep; the dog didn't like this and growled, and the guy backed off.
He tried again the following night, with similar results. In fact he tried every night, but always the dog stopped him.
A week later, after a shipwreck, a lone survivor washed ashore; the most beautiful young woman the lonely man had ever seen.
He taught her how they survived on the island, and invited her to join the nightly tradition of watching the sun set from the cliff.
She joined the trio and sat down to watch the sun sink down. The man, feeling amorous again, hatched a brilliant idea. He sat down next to the young woman and, leaning close, whispered into her ear, "I don't mean to impose, but would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Evangelion said:
A man was traveling to Australia when the plane crashed on a remote tropical island, and he discovered himself to be the only survivor, along with a dog and a sheep.
After learning how to survive, they developed a tradition of watching the sun set together over the ocean, from a cliff with a gorgeous view. One night, feeling amorous, the fellow sidled up next to the sheep; the dog didn't like this and growled, and the guy backed off.
He tried again the following night, with similar results. In fact he tried every night, but always the dog stopped him.
A week later, after a shipwreck, a lone survivor washed ashore; the most beautiful young woman the lonely man had ever seen.
He taught her how they survived on the island, and invited her to join the nightly tradition of watching the sun set from the cliff.
She joined the trio and sat down to watch the sun sink down. The man, feeling amorous again, hatched a brilliant idea. He sat down next to the young woman and, leaning close, whispered into her ear, "I don't mean to impose, but would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Complete bAfter learning how to survive, they developed a tradition of watching the sun set together over the ocean, from a cliff with a gorgeous view. One night, feeling amorous, the fellow sidled up next to the sheep; the dog didn't like this and growled, and the guy backed off.
He tried again the following night, with similar results. In fact he tried every night, but always the dog stopped him.
A week later, after a shipwreck, a lone survivor washed ashore; the most beautiful young woman the lonely man had ever seen.
He taught her how they survived on the island, and invited her to join the nightly tradition of watching the sun set from the cliff.
She joined the trio and sat down to watch the sun sink down. The man, feeling amorous again, hatched a brilliant idea. He sat down next to the young woman and, leaning close, whispered into her ear, "I don't mean to impose, but would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
ks.He'd have kicked the dog off the cliff ages ago....
A snail decides he's fed up of crawling around everywhere very slowly. He has the bright idea to turn himself into a car, by attaching some wheels on his body so he can effectively drive around.
He speaks to his friend, who is also a snail, after his plan is complete. The other snail advises him that to go a little bit quicker, he might think about removing his shell.
"No chance, that'll make me way more sluggish".
He speaks to his friend, who is also a snail, after his plan is complete. The other snail advises him that to go a little bit quicker, he might think about removing his shell.
"No chance, that'll make me way more sluggish".
keep up at the back...
un1corn said:
A snail decides he's fed up of crawling around everywhere very slowly. He has the bright idea to turn himself into a car, by attaching some wheels on his body so he can effectively drive around.
He speaks to his friend, who is also a snail, after his plan is complete. The other snail advises him that to go a little bit quicker, he might think about removing his shell.
"No chance, that'll make me way more sluggish".
A slug was going to fit a shell to make him more aerodynamic but decided he'd move at a snails pace if he did.He speaks to his friend, who is also a snail, after his plan is complete. The other snail advises him that to go a little bit quicker, he might think about removing his shell.
"No chance, that'll make me way more sluggish".
un1corn said:
A snail decides he's fed up of crawling around everywhere very slowly. He has the bright idea to turn himself into a car, by attaching some wheels on his body so he can effectively drive around.
He speaks to his friend, who is also a snail, after his plan is complete. The other snail advises him that to go a little bit quicker, he might think about removing his shell.
"No chance, that'll make me way more sluggish".
The much shorter version is:He speaks to his friend, who is also a snail, after his plan is complete. The other snail advises him that to go a little bit quicker, he might think about removing his shell.
"No chance, that'll make me way more sluggish".
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him faster, but if anything it just made him more sluggish.
un1corn said:
A snail decides he's fed up of crawling around everywhere very slowly. He has the bright idea to turn himself into a car, by attaching some wheels on his body so he can effectively drive around.
He speaks to his friend, who is also a snail, after his plan is complete. The other snail advises him that to go a little bit quicker, he might think about removing his shell.
"No chance, that'll make me way more sluggish".
and as he went past someone said "look as that escargot...." ??? no? ok then....He speaks to his friend, who is also a snail, after his plan is complete. The other snail advises him that to go a little bit quicker, he might think about removing his shell.
"No chance, that'll make me way more sluggish".
Nom de ploom said:
un1corn said:
A snail decides he's fed up of crawling around everywhere very slowly. He has the bright idea to turn himself into a car, by attaching some wheels on his body so he can effectively drive around.
He speaks to his friend, who is also a snail, after his plan is complete. The other snail advises him that to go a little bit quicker, he might think about removing his shell.
"No chance, that'll make me way more sluggish".
and as he went past someone said "look as that escargot...." ??? no? ok then....He speaks to his friend, who is also a snail, after his plan is complete. The other snail advises him that to go a little bit quicker, he might think about removing his shell.
"No chance, that'll make me way more sluggish".
A festive rhyme.
'Twas Christmas Day in the workhouse
The Merriest Day of the year
The paupers and the prisoners were all assembled there.
In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that shattered glass
Said: "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it with the rest of the unwanted presents"
The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said: "Who wants a parson's nose?"
And the prisoners shouted: "You have it yourself sir."
The vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on very well with everybody"
The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their eyes, which were full of tears.
The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone,
Gave three loud cheers and nearly choked herself
And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his paper hat and the man's next to him.
A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged gourmet called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like it was made by a continental chef"
Mince pie with custard was the next
And each received a bit
One pauper said: "This mince pie's nice
"But the custard tastes like the bread sauce we had in the last verse!"
The mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried: "Aren't I a silly girl?"
And they answered: "You're a perfect picture as always Ma'am!"
"This pudding," said the master
"Is solid, hard and thick
"How am I going to cut it?"
And a man cried: "Use your penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"
The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said: "What would you like to see?"
And they cried: "Let's see your conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching".
"Your reverence may I be excused?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
"I'd sooner have a carol or two around the fire"
So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried the master
And the inmates shouted: "Best of luck to you as well sir!"
'Twas Christmas Day in the workhouse
The Merriest Day of the year
The paupers and the prisoners were all assembled there.
In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that shattered glass
Said: "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it with the rest of the unwanted presents"
The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said: "Who wants a parson's nose?"
And the prisoners shouted: "You have it yourself sir."
The vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on very well with everybody"
The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their eyes, which were full of tears.
The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone,
Gave three loud cheers and nearly choked herself
And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his paper hat and the man's next to him.
A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged gourmet called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like it was made by a continental chef"
Mince pie with custard was the next
And each received a bit
One pauper said: "This mince pie's nice
"But the custard tastes like the bread sauce we had in the last verse!"
The mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried: "Aren't I a silly girl?"
And they answered: "You're a perfect picture as always Ma'am!"
"This pudding," said the master
"Is solid, hard and thick
"How am I going to cut it?"
And a man cried: "Use your penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"
The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said: "What would you like to see?"
And they cried: "Let's see your conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching".
"Your reverence may I be excused?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
"I'd sooner have a carol or two around the fire"
So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried the master
And the inmates shouted: "Best of luck to you as well sir!"
It's just as well none of them could come up with a fourth sentence that actually rhymed. 
PoleDriver said:
A festive rhyme.
'Twas Christmas Day in the workhouse
The Merriest Day of the year
The paupers and the prisoners were all assembled there.
In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that shattered glass
Said: "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it with the rest of the unwanted presents"
The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said: "Who wants a parson's nose?"
And the prisoners shouted: "You have it yourself sir."
The vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on very well with everybody"
The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their eyes, which were full of tears.
The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone,
Gave three loud cheers and nearly choked herself
And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his paper hat and the man's next to him.
A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged gourmet called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like it was made by a continental chef"
Mince pie with custard was the next
And each received a bit
One pauper said: "This mince pie's nice
"But the custard tastes like the bread sauce we had in the last verse!"
The mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried: "Aren't I a silly girl?"
And they answered: "You're a perfect picture as always Ma'am!"
"This pudding," said the master
"Is solid, hard and thick
"How am I going to cut it?"
And a man cried: "Use your penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"
The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said: "What would you like to see?"
And they cried: "Let's see your conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching".
"Your reverence may I be excused?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
"I'd sooner have a carol or two around the fire"
So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried the master
And the inmates shouted: "Best of luck to you as well sir!"
'Twas Christmas Day in the workhouse
The Merriest Day of the year
The paupers and the prisoners were all assembled there.
In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that shattered glass
Said: "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it with the rest of the unwanted presents"
The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said: "Who wants a parson's nose?"
And the prisoners shouted: "You have it yourself sir."
The vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on very well with everybody"
The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their eyes, which were full of tears.
The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone,
Gave three loud cheers and nearly choked herself
And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his paper hat and the man's next to him.
A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged gourmet called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like it was made by a continental chef"
Mince pie with custard was the next
And each received a bit
One pauper said: "This mince pie's nice
"But the custard tastes like the bread sauce we had in the last verse!"
The mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried: "Aren't I a silly girl?"
And they answered: "You're a perfect picture as always Ma'am!"
"This pudding," said the master
"Is solid, hard and thick
"How am I going to cut it?"
And a man cried: "Use your penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"
The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said: "What would you like to see?"
And they cried: "Let's see your conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching".
"Your reverence may I be excused?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
"I'd sooner have a carol or two around the fire"
So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried the master
And the inmates shouted: "Best of luck to you as well sir!"
very good.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff