Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.
No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my a***. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.
No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my a***. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual
way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of
Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she
wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual
way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of
Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she
wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've
always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..."
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've
always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..."
MadOne said:
Now that has made me almost drop my tea over my keyboard. I like that one. 
Another oldie but goldy.The surgery nurse was given the job of attending to a patient. All of a sudden, there was a blood curdling scream. The Doctor burst into the room to find the patient holding his nether regions, writhing in pain. The nurse explained what happened and the doctor said "No nurse, I said prick his boil".
hat, coat....I'm outta here!
Ali Chappussy said:
Another oldie but goldy.
The surgery nurse was given the job of attending to a patient. All of a sudden, there was a blood curdling scream. The Doctor burst into the room to find the patient holding his nether regions, writhing in pain. The nurse explained what happened and the doctor said "No nurse, I said prick his boil".
hat, coat....I'm outta here!
Is that the same nurse who was asked to remove the patient's spectacles?The surgery nurse was given the job of attending to a patient. All of a sudden, there was a blood curdling scream. The Doctor burst into the room to find the patient holding his nether regions, writhing in pain. The nurse explained what happened and the doctor said "No nurse, I said prick his boil".
hat, coat....I'm outta here!
Carol, a blonde city girl, married a Cornish dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John Trelawny said to Carol, 'The
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a
nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn.. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn, they walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?’
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder,..........
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John Trelawny said to Carol, 'The
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a
nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn.. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn, they walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?’
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder,..........
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff