Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Laurel Green wrote about a Teddy bear on a building site.
I did hear about a few Teddy Bears who went to do some work in Tel Aviv,there were some weird clauses,esp the one about being Jewish ( which they were not) but the money was good so the thought Ok no pork/shelfish etc, what harm can it do
Anyway on the first day they went for a medical and several were asked to come back later
When they did they were told they were going to be circumcised as per the contract
Well the nurse actually said
'Today's the day the teddy bears have their pricks nicked'
I did hear about a few Teddy Bears who went to do some work in Tel Aviv,there were some weird clauses,esp the one about being Jewish ( which they were not) but the money was good so the thought Ok no pork/shelfish etc, what harm can it do
Anyway on the first day they went for a medical and several were asked to come back later
When they did they were told they were going to be circumcised as per the contract
Well the nurse actually said
'Today's the day the teddy bears have their pricks nicked'
schmunk said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
K12beano said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If that doesn't seem to work, try the one on the right.
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
K12beano said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If that doesn't seem to work, try the one on the right.
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
K12beano said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If that doesn't seem to work, try the one on the right.
k off!illmonkey said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
K12beano said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If that doesn't seem to work, try the one on the right.
k off!
illmonkey said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
K12beano said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If that doesn't seem to work, try the one on the right.
k off!Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
Pixelpeep7r said:
illmonkey said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
K12beano said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If that doesn't seem to work, try the one on the right.
k off!evenflow said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
illmonkey said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
K12beano said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If that doesn't seem to work, try the one on the right.
k off!schmunk said:
illmonkey said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
K12beano said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
StevieBee said:
schmunk said:
soad said:
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If you have weight management issues, please mash your sausage fingers into the keypad at random."Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you
want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer anyway.
If that doesn't seem to work, try the one on the right.
k off!Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
He does this once again for the third time, but not the Jew again. The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender, what the hell is the matter with that Jew ? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 100 of them but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts ?
"Nope, replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
He does this once again for the third time, but not the Jew again. The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender, what the hell is the matter with that Jew ? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 100 of them but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts ?
"Nope, replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
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