Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough........"
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant...
"You're charged with beating your wife to death
with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out,
"You b
d!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with
beating your mother-in-law to death with a
hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells
out, "You rotten bd!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the
courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and
frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts
from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that
understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour,
but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that
ahole, and every time I've asked to borrow a
hammer, he's said he didn't have one."
"You're charged with beating your wife to death
with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out,
"You b
d!"The judge says, "You're also charged with
beating your mother-in-law to death with a
hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells
out, "You rotten b
d!"The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the
courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and
frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts
from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that
understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour,
but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that
a
hole, and every time I've asked to borrow a hammer, he's said he didn't have one."
Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
YankeePorker said:
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough........"
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough........"
Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job or hobby?"
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fking advice, she'll ask me for it."
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f
king advice, she'll ask me for it."Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff