Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
He was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare , to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare , to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
SO... we went to see fifty shades and on the way home the wife says I want you to think of a safe word for when, y'know I might think you;re going too far.
so i ponder this and after a few days she reminds me whilst getting amorous "have you thought of a safe word for me?"
I say, "well I have as a matter of fact"
"well go on what is it?" she demands clearly interested in how the use of this word can be applied in the right way....
I reply, "antidisestablishmentarianism"
Clearly shocked she says "jesus, you can't expect me to say that if things are getting out of hand...."
I replied "try saying it with a f
king ball-gag in your mouth...."
so i ponder this and after a few days she reminds me whilst getting amorous "have you thought of a safe word for me?"
I say, "well I have as a matter of fact"
"well go on what is it?" she demands clearly interested in how the use of this word can be applied in the right way....
I reply, "antidisestablishmentarianism"
Clearly shocked she says "jesus, you can't expect me to say that if things are getting out of hand...."
I replied "try saying it with a f
king ball-gag in your mouth...."
PoleDriver said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
Mermaid said:
sparks_E39 said:
Whoever it was that stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
Sure you will, you excel at everythingYou have my word.
ChemicalChaos said:
PoleDriver said:
Pixelpeep7r said:
Mermaid said:
sparks_E39 said:
Whoever it was that stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
Sure you will, you excel at everythingYou have my word.
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
Harrison ford has been injured following him crashing his plane.
Fortunately, he was the Obi-wan hurt. His loved ones are frantic, there doesn't appear to be a witness. He does not appear to be at fault and is presumed innocent, he will probably be in hospital for six days, seven nights, but its clear that there is no present danger.
Fortunately, he was the Obi-wan hurt. His loved ones are frantic, there doesn't appear to be a witness. He does not appear to be at fault and is presumed innocent, he will probably be in hospital for six days, seven nights, but its clear that there is no present danger.
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