Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[Catweazle]

How does a Welshman eat his cheese?

Caerphilly.

[mybrainhurts]

So, vicar, we meet at the café after viewing The Life Of Brian, but why have you put your todger in your dessert?

Because I'm fking discustard....

[BryanC]

Tramp polishes off his £1.99p bottle of red before passing out and falling asleep in a hedge.
Fella comes by, spots the tramp and decides to take advantage and as he is withdrawing has a pang of guilt and sticks £20 in tramp's top pocket.
Tramp wakes up, finds the £20 and goes to off licence. 'Your usual sir?'. No, this time I'll try the Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99.
Tramp polishes off his £19.99p bottle of red before passing out again and falling asleep in a hedge.
Same fella comes by, spots tramp, etc. etc and leaves another £20 in top pocket.
Tramp wakes up, and again wanders off to purchase another bottle of Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99 before sleeping it off in the local hedge.

This goes on for a couple more nights.
Tramp wakes up, finds the £20 again and goes to off licence. 'Your usual Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99 sir?'.

Tramp replies ' No - I think I'll go back on the £1.99 brew - the other one is making my @rse sore !'

[Ayahuasca]

BryanC said:

Tramp polishes off his £1.99p bottle of red before passing out and falling asleep in a hedge.
Fella comes by, spots the tramp and decides to take advantage and as he is withdrawing has a pang of guilt and sticks £20 in tramp's top pocket.
Tramp wakes up, finds the £20 and goes to off licence. 'Your usual sir?'. No, this time I'll try the Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99.
Tramp polishes off his £19.99p bottle of red before passing out again and falling asleep in a hedge.
Same fella comes by, spots tramp, etc. etc and leaves another £20 in top pocket.
Tramp wakes up, and again wanders off to purchase another bottle of Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99 before sleeping it off in the local hedge.

This goes on for a couple more nights.
Tramp wakes up, finds the £20 again and goes to off licence. 'Your usual Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99 sir?'.

Tramp replies ' No - I think I'll go back on the £1.99 brew - the other one is making my @rse sore !'

Chateau Lafitte '87 for £19.99?

It's more than £200.

It's the offie who's getting a shagging, not the tramp!

[mybrainhurts]

Ayahuasca said:

BryanC said:

Tramp polishes off his £1.99p bottle of red before passing out and falling asleep in a hedge.
Fella comes by, spots the tramp and decides to take advantage and as he is withdrawing has a pang of guilt and sticks £20 in tramp's top pocket.
Tramp wakes up, finds the £20 and goes to off licence. 'Your usual sir?'. No, this time I'll try the Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99.
Tramp polishes off his £19.99p bottle of red before passing out again and falling asleep in a hedge.
Same fella comes by, spots tramp, etc. etc and leaves another £20 in top pocket.
Tramp wakes up, and again wanders off to purchase another bottle of Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99 before sleeping it off in the local hedge.

This goes on for a couple more nights.
Tramp wakes up, finds the £20 again and goes to off licence. 'Your usual Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99 sir?'.

Tramp replies ' No - I think I'll go back on the £1.99 brew - the other one is making my @rse sore !'

Chateau Lafitte '87 for £19.99?

It's more than £200.

It's the offie who's getting a shagging, not the tramp!

Don't get it. Think you missed the punch line.

[Silver Smudger]

mybrainhurts said:

Ayahuasca said:

BryanC said:

Tramp polishes off his £1.99p bottle of red before passing out and falling asleep in a hedge.
Fella comes by, spots the tramp and decides to take advantage and as he is withdrawing has a pang of guilt and sticks £20 in tramp's top pocket.
Tramp wakes up, finds the £20 and goes to off licence. 'Your usual sir?'. No, this time I'll try the Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99.
Tramp polishes off his £19.99p bottle of red before passing out again and falling asleep in a hedge.
Same fella comes by, spots tramp, etc. etc and leaves another £20 in top pocket.
Tramp wakes up, and again wanders off to purchase another bottle of Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99 before sleeping it off in the local hedge.

This goes on for a couple more nights.
Tramp wakes up, finds the £20 again and goes to off licence. 'Your usual Chateau Lafitte '87 at £19.99 sir?'.

Tramp replies ' No - I think I'll go back on the £1.99 brew - the other one is making my @rse sore !'

Chateau Lafitte '87 for £19.99?

It's more than £200.

It's the offie who's getting a shagging, not the tramp!

Don't get it. Think you missed the punch line.

Does that help?

[GloverMart]

Music news: The Police have just announced that they are releasing something new.

It's Dr Fox after eight hours of questioning.

[Evangelion]

The police have also announced that some of the material they removed from Sir Cliff Richard's house was absolutely disgusting.













It was all the tracks from his next album.

[FredClogs]

My employer asked me if I had a Police record


















I said "No" but I've got a couple of Sting albums

[StevieBee]

I noticed a three-piece 80s rock band sitting at the back of the plane on my flight to Dublin.

There's always a Sting in the tail when you fly Ryanair

[PoleDriver]

[soad]

PoleDriver said:

Jim: Are you going to go to the Phish concert in Savannah?
Ralph (covered in Phish tatoos): Does a bear st in the woods?! Of course I'm going!

[kowalski655]

Hugo a Gogo said:

what do you call a man with a piece of wood on his head?

Edward

what do you call a man with 2 pieces of wood on his head?

Edward Wood

what do you call a man with 3 pieces of wood on his head?

Edward Woodward

what do you call a man with 4 pieces of wood on his head?

I dunno, but Edward Woodward would

The German version:
What do you call a man with a piece of wood on his head?
If you are aware of his given name, you may address him with this. If he had adopted a nickname by which he is comfortable to be known, using this would also be deemed acceptable. If, however, you do not already know what his name is, ask him to kindly inform you so that you may become acquainted. You may then ask him why he has a piece of wood on his head, and he will quite likely answer you with humility and direct earnest.

[Hugo a Gogo]

don't be silly, you would never go straight to using his given name, unless you had already gotten to know each other quite well in a social setting, you were of similar education and status and had agreed to use the informal 'du' with one another

[Turbodiesel1976]

My Granddad was an army boxer in the Second World War. Which I always thought was very unfair as the enemy had guns

[VladD]

Flat 4 or flat 6?

[K12beano]

Neither - it was a small bungalow...

[Grey Ghost]

kowalski655 said:

Hugo a Gogo said:

what do you call a man with a piece of wood on his head?

Edward

what do you call a man with 2 pieces of wood on his head?

Edward Wood

what do you call a man with 3 pieces of wood on his head?

Edward Woodward

what do you call a man with 4 pieces of wood on his head?

I dunno, but Edward Woodward would

The German version:
What do you call a man with a piece of wood on his head?
If you are aware of his given name, you may address him with this. If he had adopted a nickname by which he is comfortable to be known, using this would also be deemed acceptable. If, however, you do not already know what his name is, ask him to kindly inform you so that you may become acquainted. You may then ask him why he has a piece of wood on his head, and he will quite likely answer you with humility and direct earnest.

The only type of wood that doesn't float ?

Natalie Wood

[FredClogs]

Grey Ghost said:

The only type of wood that doesn't float ?

Natalie Wood

Victoria Wood

[schmunk]

Grey Ghost said:

The only type of wood that doesn't float ?

Natalie Wood

Does not compute.