Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
A top secret government agency needed to hire an assassin, and three people applied for the job; two men and one woman.
The first man came in for the interview, and was handed a rifle and told his wife was in the next room. "You must go in and kill her."
He quickly said, "I can't do that." He was told he was not the right person for the job, and to take his wife and leave.
So the next man came in, same scenario, go in there and kill your wife. He went in and came straight back out, "I can't do it." He too was told to take his wife and leave.
Then the woman came in and was given the rifle and the same instructions. She went in and several shots were heard followed by loud crashing noises. She came out and said,
"That rifle had blanks in it, I had to whack him over the head with the chair!"
The first man came in for the interview, and was handed a rifle and told his wife was in the next room. "You must go in and kill her."
He quickly said, "I can't do that." He was told he was not the right person for the job, and to take his wife and leave.
So the next man came in, same scenario, go in there and kill your wife. He went in and came straight back out, "I can't do it." He too was told to take his wife and leave.
Then the woman came in and was given the rifle and the same instructions. She went in and several shots were heard followed by loud crashing noises. She came out and said,
"That rifle had blanks in it, I had to whack him over the head with the chair!"
silverfoxcc said:
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
Sorry Ive had to steal this! Great.He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
Our own Fifty Shades of Grey
Back and forth . . . .
Back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . .
A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end
He was in ecstasy . . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards.
Again . . . . and, again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . .
totally exhausted . . . .
she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted:
"OK, OK, you smug b
d, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
Back and forth . . . .
Back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . .
A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end
He was in ecstasy . . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards.
Again . . . . and, again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . .
totally exhausted . . . .
she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted:
"OK, OK, you smug b
d, I can't parallel park. You do it!"As we approach the next general election .............. just keep this in mind when choosing your local idiot ...........
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
“You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function,and you just wonder what kind of dumb t**t put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
“You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function,and you just wonder what kind of dumb t**t put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.
Bloke says "doc, when I'm in the nudist camp, I keep getting spontaneous stiffies, then I keep banging it into doors, walls and other nudists and they're getting a bit annoyed. What's wrong with me?"
"This nudist camp is in Switzerland, isn't it?" asks the doc.
"Yes, how did you know?"
"Guessed as much, you've got a large hardon collider"
Edit...can't spell nudist
"This nudist camp is in Switzerland, isn't it?" asks the doc.
"Yes, how did you know?"
"Guessed as much, you've got a large hardon collider"
Edit...can't spell nudist
Edited by mybrainhurts on Monday 6th April 20:28
mybrainhurts said:
Bloke says "doc, when I'm in the nudist camp, I keep getting spontaneous stiffies, then I keep banging it into doors, walls and other nudusts and they're getting a bit annoyed. What's wrong with me?"
"This nudist camp is in Switzerland, isn't it?" asks the doc.
"Yes, how did you know?"
"Guessed as much, you've got a large hardon collider"
That's very good."This nudist camp is in Switzerland, isn't it?" asks the doc.
"Yes, how did you know?"
"Guessed as much, you've got a large hardon collider"
Please post this joke in the Science forum.
Eric Mc's reaction will be awesome
don4l said:
mybrainhurts said:
Bloke says "doc, when I'm in the nudist camp, I keep getting spontaneous stiffies, then I keep banging it into doors, walls and other nudusts and they're getting a bit annoyed. What's wrong with me?"
"This nudist camp is in Switzerland, isn't it?" asks the doc.
"Yes, how did you know?"
"Guessed as much, you've got a large hardon collider"
That's very good."This nudist camp is in Switzerland, isn't it?" asks the doc.
"Yes, how did you know?"
"Guessed as much, you've got a large hardon collider"
Please post this joke in the Science forum.
Eric Mc's reaction will be awesome
'Tis the time of year for-->
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a
high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to
do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and
standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who
had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet
him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster,
caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with
waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. '
I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and
we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great
time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends
look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a
high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to
do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and
standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who
had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet
him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster,
caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with
waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. '
I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and
we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great
time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends
look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..
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