Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
What's all that about?I
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately
and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation........
She never got your e-mail !"
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately
and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation........
She never got your e-mail !"
One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £29.95, Shopping Barbie for £29.95, Beach Barbie for £29.95, Disco Barbie for £29.95, Astronaut Barbie for £29.95, Skater Barbie for £29.95, and Divorced Barbie for £329.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie £329.95 and the others only £29.95?'
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.'
Subject: Mr Schitt
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt". Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, Giva, Fulla, Bull, and the twins Deep and Dip.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptuals. The Schitt-Happens' children were named Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new wife, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt.
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt". Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, Giva, Fulla, Bull, and the twins Deep and Dip.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptuals. The Schitt-Happens' children were named Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new wife, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt.
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha,
puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha,
puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff