Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Northampton Police report finding a man's body in the River Nene, near Becketts Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified..
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Milliband for PM’ on 2015 T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.
The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
karona said:
Northampton Police report finding a man's body in the River Nene, near Becketts Park. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified..
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Milliband for PM’ on 2015 T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.
The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
But did they hear the shot? The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Milliband for PM’ on 2015 T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.
The police removed the Ed Milliband T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
kers! He's alive and kicking and fighting his corner. I really hope I'm not making the first joke on here tomorrow
gwm said:
carpetsoiler said:
gwm said:
Oh the irony!
Ah Brasseye, what a genius programme that was. Don't think there's been anything that dark satire on a mainstream channel since.
You never watched Monkey Dust then?Ah Brasseye, what a genius programme that was. Don't think there's been anything that dark satire on a mainstream channel since.
Another goldie, but humerous, maybe some of our newier/young members havnt seen it.
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Positano, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid opened the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked
urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said : "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Shouldn't I tell her the war is over?''
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Positano, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid opened the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked
urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said : "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Shouldn't I tell her the war is over?''
The captain of a ship discovers a stowaway hiding in one of his crew's cabin. A pretty young woman, she breaks down and sobs, telling the captain that she'd always wanted to go to Australia, and that she'd met a sailor who promised to help her; so he'd hidden her in his cabin, warned her to stay put and out of sight, and he'd brought her food and water and generally looked after her.
"Hmm", said the captain, "and what was in it for him?"
"Well", said the young woman, "you could say he took advantage of me."
"I'll bloody well say he did", said the captain, "this is the Isle of Wight ferry".
"Hmm", said the captain, "and what was in it for him?"
"Well", said the young woman, "you could say he took advantage of me."
"I'll bloody well say he did", said the captain, "this is the Isle of Wight ferry".
With the election almost upon us it's probably time to roll this one out again!
Suppose that once a month, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all of them comes to £100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes and claim State benefits, it would go something like this;
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay £1.?The sixth would pay £3.?The seventh would pay £7.?The eighth would pay £12.?The ninth would pay £18.?And the tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every month and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until, one day, the owner caused them a little problem. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your weekly beer by £20." Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free but what about the other six men; the paying customers? How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realised that £20 divided by six is £3.33 but if they subtracted that from everybody's share then not only would the first four men still be drinking for free but the fifth and sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So the bar owner suggested a different system. The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing.?The sixth man paid £2 instead of £3 .?The seventh paid £5 instead of £7.?The eighth paid £9 instead of £12.?The ninth paid £14 instead of £18.?And the tenth man now paid £49 instead of £59. ?Each of the last six was better off than before with the first four continuing to drink for free.
But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got £1 out of the £20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got £10!"
"Yes, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a £1 too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10 back, when I only got £2? The rich get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"
So, the nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. Funnily enough, the next month the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him.
But when it came to pay for their drinks, they discovered something important – they didn't have enough money between all of them to pay for even half the bill.
That's how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes do tend to get the most benefit from tax reliefs and reductions. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they just might not show up anymore.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.?For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible. Oh, and do try to remember that it’s not always necessary to be solemn to make a serious point.
Suppose that once a month, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all of them comes to £100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes and claim State benefits, it would go something like this;
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay £1.?The sixth would pay £3.?The seventh would pay £7.?The eighth would pay £12.?The ninth would pay £18.?And the tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every month and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until, one day, the owner caused them a little problem. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your weekly beer by £20." Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free but what about the other six men; the paying customers? How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realised that £20 divided by six is £3.33 but if they subtracted that from everybody's share then not only would the first four men still be drinking for free but the fifth and sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So the bar owner suggested a different system. The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing.?The sixth man paid £2 instead of £3 .?The seventh paid £5 instead of £7.?The eighth paid £9 instead of £12.?The ninth paid £14 instead of £18.?And the tenth man now paid £49 instead of £59. ?Each of the last six was better off than before with the first four continuing to drink for free.
But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got £1 out of the £20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got £10!"
"Yes, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a £1 too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10 back, when I only got £2? The rich get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"
So, the nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. Funnily enough, the next month the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him.
But when it came to pay for their drinks, they discovered something important – they didn't have enough money between all of them to pay for even half the bill.
That's how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes do tend to get the most benefit from tax reliefs and reductions. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they just might not show up anymore.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.?For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible. Oh, and do try to remember that it’s not always necessary to be solemn to make a serious point.
Edited by PoleDriver on Tuesday 5th May 22:50
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