Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
A Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".
"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.
"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."
"You there Boss?"
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".
"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.
"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."
"You there Boss?"
Kenty said:
A Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".
"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.
"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."
"You there Boss?"
Did the fight break out when he heard the shot?"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".
"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.
"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."
"You there Boss?"
PoleDriver said:
How many Liberal Democrat MPs does it take to change a light bulb.
Nine
Guess they'll be kept in the dark for the next 4 years!
(I made that up myself)
How many conservative leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?Nine
Guess they'll be kept in the dark for the next 4 years!
(I made that up myself)
None. They don't need bulbs when the sun shines out of their own arse.
(Also made up myself)
kowalski655 said:
Possible job for Ed Balls in the future.
Ed dons scuba gear and explores shipwrecks around the world. "BALLS DEEP" will premiere on Dave in the autumn.
(I nicked that one)
In a followup series, he travels the world in a hot-air balloon ( no prizes in guessing where the hot air comes from ) - 'Balls Up'Ed dons scuba gear and explores shipwrecks around the world. "BALLS DEEP" will premiere on Dave in the autumn.
(I nicked that one)
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up .. so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up .. so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
In the days when buses had conductors chap with a stutter gets on
Pax t-t-t-t-t-ticket to the st-st-st-station p-p-p-please
Conductor t-t-t-twenty p-p-p-p-ence p-p-p-pplease
Pax Are you t-t-t-taking the p-p-p-p-p-iss
Con n-n-n-n-no
Conductor goes to next passenger who requests the same destination in an impeccable voice. Th conductor replies in the same refined way as the passenger
First passenger collars conductor
you w-w-w-w-w-were taking the p-p-p-p-p-p-iss out of me
Conductor replies
n-n-n-n-no, i w-w-w-w-w-as t-t-t-t-t-t-aking the p-p-p-p-p-iss out of h-h-h-h-him
Pax t-t-t-t-t-ticket to the st-st-st-station p-p-p-please
Conductor t-t-t-twenty p-p-p-p-ence p-p-p-pplease
Pax Are you t-t-t-taking the p-p-p-p-p-iss
Con n-n-n-n-no
Conductor goes to next passenger who requests the same destination in an impeccable voice. Th conductor replies in the same refined way as the passenger
First passenger collars conductor
you w-w-w-w-w-were taking the p-p-p-p-p-p-iss out of me
Conductor replies
n-n-n-n-no, i w-w-w-w-w-as t-t-t-t-t-t-aking the p-p-p-p-p-iss out of h-h-h-h-him
silverfoxcc said:
In the days when buses had conductors chap with a stutter gets on
Pax t-t-t-t-t-ticket to the st-st-st-station p-p-p-please
Conductor t-t-t-twenty p-p-p-p-ence p-p-p-pplease
Pax Are you t-t-t-taking the p-p-p-p-p-iss
Con n-n-n-n-no
Conductor goes to next passenger who requests the same destination in an impeccable voice. Th conductor replies in the same refined way as the passenger
First passenger collars conductor
you w-w-w-w-w-were taking the p-p-p-p-p-p-iss out of me
Conductor replies
n-n-n-n-no, i w-w-w-w-w-as t-t-t-t-t-t-aking the p-p-p-p-p-iss out of h-h-h-h-him
Not exactly sure why I am laughing, but I am laughing!Pax t-t-t-t-t-ticket to the st-st-st-station p-p-p-please
Conductor t-t-t-twenty p-p-p-p-ence p-p-p-pplease
Pax Are you t-t-t-taking the p-p-p-p-p-iss
Con n-n-n-n-no
Conductor goes to next passenger who requests the same destination in an impeccable voice. Th conductor replies in the same refined way as the passenger
First passenger collars conductor
you w-w-w-w-w-were taking the p-p-p-p-p-p-iss out of me
Conductor replies
n-n-n-n-no, i w-w-w-w-w-as t-t-t-t-t-t-aking the p-p-p-p-p-iss out of h-h-h-h-him
vx220 said:
silverfoxcc said:
In the days when buses had conductors chap with a stutter gets on
Pax t-t-t-t-t-ticket to the st-st-st-station p-p-p-please
Conductor t-t-t-twenty p-p-p-p-ence p-p-p-pplease
Pax Are you t-t-t-taking the p-p-p-p-p-iss
Con n-n-n-n-no
Conductor goes to next passenger who requests the same destination in an impeccable voice. Th conductor replies in the same refined way as the passenger
First passenger collars conductor
you w-w-w-w-w-were taking the p-p-p-p-p-p-iss out of me
Conductor replies
n-n-n-n-no, i w-w-w-w-w-as t-t-t-t-t-t-aking the p-p-p-p-p-iss out of h-h-h-h-him
Not exactly sure why I am laughing, but I am laughing!Pax t-t-t-t-t-ticket to the st-st-st-station p-p-p-please
Conductor t-t-t-twenty p-p-p-p-ence p-p-p-pplease
Pax Are you t-t-t-taking the p-p-p-p-p-iss
Con n-n-n-n-no
Conductor goes to next passenger who requests the same destination in an impeccable voice. Th conductor replies in the same refined way as the passenger
First passenger collars conductor
you w-w-w-w-w-were taking the p-p-p-p-p-p-iss out of me
Conductor replies
n-n-n-n-no, i w-w-w-w-w-as t-t-t-t-t-t-aking the p-p-p-p-p-iss out of h-h-h-h-him
While going through an airport during one of his many trips, President G.W. Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?".
The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President. Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside, and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you? Watch!". Again the President yelled, "Moses!", and again the man stared ahead and didn't answer.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered,
"You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?".
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there
is no oil".
Vipers said:
While going through an airport during one of his many trips, President G.W. Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?".
The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President. Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside, and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you? Watch!". Again the President yelled, "Moses!", and again the man stared ahead and didn't answer.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered,
"You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?".
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there
is no oil".
I like that President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?".
The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President. Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside, and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you? Watch!". Again the President yelled, "Moses!", and again the man stared ahead and didn't answer.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered,
"You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?".
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there
is no oil".
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying b
d told you I was speeding, too!"
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying b
d told you I was speeding, too!"Vipers said:
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bd told you I was speeding, too!"
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying b
d told you I was speeding, too!"
Brilliant, So who's going to try that one? 
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