Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
ChemicalChaos said:
There were once 2 Chinese twins Ving and his sister Ling. Ving hated his name, and had always wanted to change it to Lee.
Ling warned him, "If you do that, father will disown you as our child. That name has been in our family line for generations."
Ving never really listened to his sister though, and he still wanted to go through with the plan. The next day he went to the town hall. He had gotten the name-change sheet and was scribbling down information on to it when suddenly he became conflicted with his choice. Tears began to stream down his face. He finally decided that he was going to have to cancel his request, and Ling looked relieved. The receptionist in formed them there would be a cancelation fee, and handed the fee waiver to her. Suddenly, an older man burst into the room. Ving turned in awe and stared at the man, as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"D-D-Dad?"
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
"Whatever you want to do, I'll respect your decision. It's your name"
"Really Dad, can I?"
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving. Hold on the that fee, Ling"
Ling warned him, "If you do that, father will disown you as our child. That name has been in our family line for generations."
Ving never really listened to his sister though, and he still wanted to go through with the plan. The next day he went to the town hall. He had gotten the name-change sheet and was scribbling down information on to it when suddenly he became conflicted with his choice. Tears began to stream down his face. He finally decided that he was going to have to cancel his request, and Ling looked relieved. The receptionist in formed them there would be a cancelation fee, and handed the fee waiver to her. Suddenly, an older man burst into the room. Ving turned in awe and stared at the man, as tears rolled down his cheeks.
"D-D-Dad?"
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
"Whatever you want to do, I'll respect your decision. It's your name"
"Really Dad, can I?"
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving. Hold on the that fee, Ling"
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you got any?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no nookie since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you got any?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no nookie since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
MartG said:
Could have warned me, nearly choked on my tea. 
A man boarded a plane with six noisy, raucous kids and got settled into their seats. A woman sitting across the isle leans over and says, "excuse me sir but are these your kids?" to which he replied, "no, i work for a company that manufactures condoms and these are customer complaints.
There once was a classical actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines!
After many years, he finds himself in the Globe Theatre in London , where they were prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says "This is a most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The old actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger and thumb, as directed, he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the f
king rose!"
After many years, he finds himself in the Globe Theatre in London , where they were prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says "This is a most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The old actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger and thumb, as directed, he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the f
king rose!" 
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