Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Vipers said:
Some time ago, there was a debate on what the knob on the end of a penis is there for.
The Americans spent $10,000 and took 6 months to come to the conclusion it was to enhance sexual stimulation for the male during intercourse.
The French spent €8,000 and 3 months to come to the conclusion it was to enhance sexual stimulation for the female during intercourse.
The Irish went down the pub spent €50 on a few pints of Guinness, and came to the conclusion it is to stop you hand coming off when you have a w
k.
No, no, no Vipers. It's to stop your hand flying off at high speed.The Americans spent $10,000 and took 6 months to come to the conclusion it was to enhance sexual stimulation for the male during intercourse.
The French spent €8,000 and 3 months to come to the conclusion it was to enhance sexual stimulation for the female during intercourse.
The Irish went down the pub spent €50 on a few pints of Guinness, and came to the conclusion it is to stop you hand coming off when you have a w
k.Another classic joke ruined!
SeeFive said:
Try Jimmy Jones from the 70's
Young girl..."what is that thing"
Jimmy Jones... "That is my penis"
YG.. "Oh it looks just like a prick but smaller". "What is that lump on the end of your penis."
JJ... "That is my helmet"
YG... "What is that for?"
JJ... "It stops my hand sliding off the end when I have a wk"
YG... "What are those two lumps about 18 inches away from your helmet?"
JJ... "If you have got your measurements right luv, they are piles"
Etc...
J Jones was my all time favourite comedian.Young girl..."what is that thing"
Jimmy Jones... "That is my penis"
YG.. "Oh it looks just like a prick but smaller". "What is that lump on the end of your penis."
JJ... "That is my helmet"
YG... "What is that for?"
JJ... "It stops my hand sliding off the end when I have a w
k"YG... "What are those two lumps about 18 inches away from your helmet?"
JJ... "If you have got your measurements right luv, they are piles"
Etc...
I've just checked YouTube and they have some of his shows. That's my evening sorted!
straight dad said:
Vipers said:
straight dad said:
Please return to Manchester Uni Rag Mag circa 1974
1973, busy serving queen and country, too busy to read Uni mags.
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people."
marshalla said:
PoleDriver said:
Cotty said:
Pearls Before Swine in the Metro this morning?
I don't get that one... Did you forget the punchline?
http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2015/05/...
I lent a mate £100 to buy a new tyre, he said he would pay me back at the weekend. Satrurday morning I went round to his house and he was stood at the door.
"Any chance I can have the £100 back pal?"
"Sorry" he says, "its all spoken for this weekend"
He could see I was disappointed.
"Tell you what" he says, "do you want to join the wife on the rug?"
I thought to myself, might as well.
After an hour I came past him, still stood at the door.
"How did you get on?"
"Alright, but we ran out of wool."
"Any chance I can have the £100 back pal?"
"Sorry" he says, "its all spoken for this weekend"
He could see I was disappointed.
"Tell you what" he says, "do you want to join the wife on the rug?"
I thought to myself, might as well.
After an hour I came past him, still stood at the door.
"How did you get on?"
"Alright, but we ran out of wool."
Its a little known fact that Sean Connery visits a local old peoples home on a monthly basis to have a chat to the people there and keep them in touch with what is going on. One old bloke was usually on his own so Sean very kindly befriended him and used to sit and have tea with him, chat about racehorses, the war and anything else that the man wanted to talk about.
After a year, Sean said to the man, 'Do you actually know who I am?'
'Go ask matron' came the reply, 'she will tell you.'
After a year, Sean said to the man, 'Do you actually know who I am?'
'Go ask matron' came the reply, 'she will tell you.'
WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
"Well, said the doctor,let me ask you this: How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed..'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....
"It's Rust."
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
"Well, said the doctor,let me ask you this: How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed..'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....
"It's Rust."
Six Fiend said:
marshalla said:
PoleDriver said:
Cotty said:
Pearls Before Swine in the Metro this morning?
I don't get that one... Did you forget the punchline?
http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2015/05/...
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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