Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened!!
^^^^Vaud said:
AW111 said:
Vaud said:
"Horns" was already in the plural. YDNNTFFM.
But female cows often have horns. I added the number 3 to disambiguate your otherwise helpful remark.Monkeylegend said:
Back to birds, there is a bird called the Fakarewe that lives on the planes in the long grass in SA.
It's only 12 inches tall and hides in 2 foot grass, and runs around jumping up and down shouting "where the Fakarewe"
Genetically linked to the fabled Fukarwe tribe of pygmies of the Serengeti?It's only 12 inches tall and hides in 2 foot grass, and runs around jumping up and down shouting "where the Fakarewe"
davhill said:
Monkeylegend said:
Back to birds, there is a bird called the Fakarewe that lives on the planes in the long grass in SA.
It's only 12 inches tall and hides in 2 foot grass, and runs around jumping up and down shouting "where the Fakarewe"
Genetically linked to the fabled Fukarwe tribe of pygmies of the Serengeti?It's only 12 inches tall and hides in 2 foot grass, and runs around jumping up and down shouting "where the Fakarewe"
Don't get old
Edited by Monkeylegend on Thursday 28th May 19:15
A zebra asked his best friend, a giraffe: "Do you think us zebras are white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?"
"God knows," said the giraffe.
The next day he was back. "God appeared to me in a dream last night!" he told his friend.
"Did you get an answer to your question?" asked the giraffe.
"Not really," replied the zebra. "He just looked at me on an enigmatic sort of way and said, 'My son, you are what you are'."
"There you are then," said the giraffe, "You're white."
"How do you make that out?" asked the zebra.
"It's obvious," replied the giraffe. "If you were black he'd have said, 'You is what you is'."
"God knows," said the giraffe.
The next day he was back. "God appeared to me in a dream last night!" he told his friend.
"Did you get an answer to your question?" asked the giraffe.
"Not really," replied the zebra. "He just looked at me on an enigmatic sort of way and said, 'My son, you are what you are'."
"There you are then," said the giraffe, "You're white."
"How do you make that out?" asked the zebra.
"It's obvious," replied the giraffe. "If you were black he'd have said, 'You is what you is'."
“I used to work for Kwik Fit.”
“Was it tiring?”
“Yes, and exhausting.”
I was due to have a liver transplant yesterday, but after some thought I had a change of heart.
My dad’s sister Histamine never gets allergic reactions. I wonder what her secret is.
Nice offer on Amazon – if you buy all Adam & The Ants sheet music, they’ll throw in a stand & deliver.
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“It’s kinda like a drink with lumps in it.”
Dolly Parton’s favourite German protest song about bananas is “NEIN TO FYFFES!”
Annabel Sidoma: “Nobody will ever decode my secret identity.”
Anagram Man: “Not so fast. Osama Bin Laden.”
I got my results this morning. I got a C in Hepatitis.
“You should get straight back on that horse.” – Not good advice for a recovering heroin addict.
I’m getting a lot of grief about my snoring these days. What do your office colleagues moan about?
Alphabetti Spaghetti gives me diarrhoea. It also gives me ‘omnibus’, ‘wedding’ & ‘Constantinople’.
I turned up at 12:30 for my Gamblers Anonymous meeting. The sign on the door said “Back at twenty to one”. So I did.
‘Laughter is the best medicine’ doesn’t really work with erectile dysfunction.
If you have any information on the theft of my Yale & mortise locks, feel free to come and share it with me. My door is always open.
My voice-activated car just took off on its own before I could speak. This is clearly dangerous; it goes without saying.
I should tell dad which one of us kids tried to drink the superglue but my lips are sealed.
Two interesting facts about me:
1. My willie is the same length as 2 Argos pens.
2. I’m barred from Argos.
When I inherited my father’s giant profiterole business, I had big chouxs to fill.
Cowboy School
“Your first job is to round up 17 cows.”
“OK, easy, that’s 20 cows. I got a C in maths.”
I applied for a job at the zoo as a marsupial keeper, but I didn’t have the koalafications.
I think I’m in love with my Braille teacher. It’s the way she makes me feel.
Bizarrely, everyone in John Travolta’s maths class is called Jillian. He’s got Jills, they’re multiplying.
You can tell a lot about someone just by hacking their email and rifling through their bin.
Should pensioners shave their pubіс hair? Bit of a grey area.
I’m having a healthy tuna salad for lunch. Unfortunately I don’t have any tuna or salad so I’ve had to improvise using bread, butter and bacon instead.
An angry cyclist threatened to shove his bicycle pump up my аrѕé today. I think he was just trying to put the wind up me.
Next week I start work at the pеníѕ extension clinic. They’ve offered me a very impressive package.
I bought a really cool top when I was in that State next to New York.”
“New Jersey?”
“Nah, more of a hoodie.”
“Dad, is that Matt Damon?”
“No son, it’s Jeremy Renner.”
Kids these days eh? Don’t know their Bourne.
Some guy pulled me over on the dodgems and fined me for speeding and dangerous driving. It was a fair cop.
I ordered the wrong size ornamental bucket for my wife’s garden feature. It didn’t go down well.
Well, to cut a long story sho
I can’t believe I won the self-harming competition. I’m still pinching myself.
My son’s delaying his higher education so he can make some money as a tube station announcer. He’s on a ‘mind-the-gap’ year.
First Date
Me: Oh yes, I’m a real sushi expert.
Girl: Nice. Do you speak Japanese?
Me: Of course.
Girl: お早うございますおはよ
Me: Oh..um..Okay dokey.
They’re now selling Harry Potter flying games in Poundland. Great bargain, - quid each.
I finally decided to forgive my plumber over the whole installation debacle. It’s all water under the fridge.
“I’ve got chronic constipation.”
“Sorry to hear it. Still, shít happens.”
“You smug báѕtаrd!”
Scientists in Geneva confirm the Large Hadron Collider has been reprogrammed to search for a violin small enough for George Galloway.
At social events, I always try to identify the estate agents and c*cktail barmen. It’s important to know who the movers and shakers are.
Job Interview:
“Who inspires you?”
“Peter Piper.”
“What does he do?”
“It’s difficult to say.”
When they banned me from the Irish dancing club for being too aggressive, I threw a paddy.
If you’re a fan of gangland killings & you’re in the Chicago area, don’t forget to visit the Whacks Museum.
In Waterstones
“I’d like Hugh Laurie’s autobiography please.”
“Certainly sir. Would you like Fry’s with that?”
I’ve just made my first podcast. Now, what’s the best way to remove the excess plaster from my tеstiсlés?
I’m running a marathon in aid of sufferers from premature ejaculation. For once I hope I don’t come first.
This scratch card is rubbish. I still can’t reach the itchy spot between my shoulder blades.
Commercial: “Talk to your kids about drugs before it’s too late”
“Kids. Kitchen. Now!”
“Yeah what?”
“This is oregano. Don’t get ripped off.”
I watched “Mordor’s Got Talent” last night, but it was pretty much just Elvish impersonators.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A CURE FOR ADHD!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
“SMARTIES!!!”
A young lady in the street just asked if I fancied sleeping with her for £50. I’m not really sleepy but I could do with the money.
Every time you microwave a pizza, Greg Wallace dies a little. What more incentive do you need?
When you land at Heathrow today, you have to dance round a maypole. I hate going through customs.
In the camping shop:
“I need a compass.”
“They’re over on the southeast wall.”
“Thanks pal!”
Yesterday I had sеx, visited Slough and then went horse chestnut picking. I came, eyesore, I conkered.
As grandma neared the end, we bought her a coffin. We attached wheels to it as she requested. After that, she went downhill very quickly.
Listen, you insensitive twаt. This is your deceased former lover’s coffin. Please stop referring to it as your X Box.
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call Pro Claimers NOW.
Heston’s Cannibal Feast, Ch4, 8pm. He’s preparing Warwick Davies inside Frankie Dettori inside Dermot Murnaghan inside Eric Pickles.
“Despite what you may have heard, I’m not a threat to anyone called Carol.” – Carol Decker
Therapist: “You need to stop having sex with barnyard animals.”
Patient: “Gradually?”
Therapist: “No! Cold turkey.”
Patient: “Mmmmm, cold turkey.”
I swear my Tourettes is getting worse.
On the Tube:
“Can I have your seat? I’m pregnant.”
“Of course. How far along are you?”
“About 20 minutes, but my legs are still wobbly.”
“Was it tiring?”
“Yes, and exhausting.”
I was due to have a liver transplant yesterday, but after some thought I had a change of heart.
My dad’s sister Histamine never gets allergic reactions. I wonder what her secret is.
Nice offer on Amazon – if you buy all Adam & The Ants sheet music, they’ll throw in a stand & deliver.
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“It’s kinda like a drink with lumps in it.”
Dolly Parton’s favourite German protest song about bananas is “NEIN TO FYFFES!”
Annabel Sidoma: “Nobody will ever decode my secret identity.”
Anagram Man: “Not so fast. Osama Bin Laden.”
I got my results this morning. I got a C in Hepatitis.
“You should get straight back on that horse.” – Not good advice for a recovering heroin addict.
I’m getting a lot of grief about my snoring these days. What do your office colleagues moan about?
Alphabetti Spaghetti gives me diarrhoea. It also gives me ‘omnibus’, ‘wedding’ & ‘Constantinople’.
I turned up at 12:30 for my Gamblers Anonymous meeting. The sign on the door said “Back at twenty to one”. So I did.
‘Laughter is the best medicine’ doesn’t really work with erectile dysfunction.
If you have any information on the theft of my Yale & mortise locks, feel free to come and share it with me. My door is always open.
My voice-activated car just took off on its own before I could speak. This is clearly dangerous; it goes without saying.
I should tell dad which one of us kids tried to drink the superglue but my lips are sealed.
Two interesting facts about me:
1. My willie is the same length as 2 Argos pens.
2. I’m barred from Argos.
When I inherited my father’s giant profiterole business, I had big chouxs to fill.
Cowboy School
“Your first job is to round up 17 cows.”
“OK, easy, that’s 20 cows. I got a C in maths.”
I applied for a job at the zoo as a marsupial keeper, but I didn’t have the koalafications.
I think I’m in love with my Braille teacher. It’s the way she makes me feel.
Bizarrely, everyone in John Travolta’s maths class is called Jillian. He’s got Jills, they’re multiplying.
You can tell a lot about someone just by hacking their email and rifling through their bin.
Should pensioners shave their pubіс hair? Bit of a grey area.
I’m having a healthy tuna salad for lunch. Unfortunately I don’t have any tuna or salad so I’ve had to improvise using bread, butter and bacon instead.
An angry cyclist threatened to shove his bicycle pump up my аrѕé today. I think he was just trying to put the wind up me.
Next week I start work at the pеníѕ extension clinic. They’ve offered me a very impressive package.
I bought a really cool top when I was in that State next to New York.”
“New Jersey?”
“Nah, more of a hoodie.”
“Dad, is that Matt Damon?”
“No son, it’s Jeremy Renner.”
Kids these days eh? Don’t know their Bourne.
Some guy pulled me over on the dodgems and fined me for speeding and dangerous driving. It was a fair cop.
I ordered the wrong size ornamental bucket for my wife’s garden feature. It didn’t go down well.
Well, to cut a long story sho
I can’t believe I won the self-harming competition. I’m still pinching myself.
My son’s delaying his higher education so he can make some money as a tube station announcer. He’s on a ‘mind-the-gap’ year.
First Date
Me: Oh yes, I’m a real sushi expert.
Girl: Nice. Do you speak Japanese?
Me: Of course.
Girl: お早うございますおはよ
Me: Oh..um..Okay dokey.
They’re now selling Harry Potter flying games in Poundland. Great bargain, - quid each.
I finally decided to forgive my plumber over the whole installation debacle. It’s all water under the fridge.
“I’ve got chronic constipation.”
“Sorry to hear it. Still, shít happens.”
“You smug báѕtаrd!”
Scientists in Geneva confirm the Large Hadron Collider has been reprogrammed to search for a violin small enough for George Galloway.
At social events, I always try to identify the estate agents and c*cktail barmen. It’s important to know who the movers and shakers are.
Job Interview:
“Who inspires you?”
“Peter Piper.”
“What does he do?”
“It’s difficult to say.”
When they banned me from the Irish dancing club for being too aggressive, I threw a paddy.
If you’re a fan of gangland killings & you’re in the Chicago area, don’t forget to visit the Whacks Museum.
In Waterstones
“I’d like Hugh Laurie’s autobiography please.”
“Certainly sir. Would you like Fry’s with that?”
I’ve just made my first podcast. Now, what’s the best way to remove the excess plaster from my tеstiсlés?
I’m running a marathon in aid of sufferers from premature ejaculation. For once I hope I don’t come first.
This scratch card is rubbish. I still can’t reach the itchy spot between my shoulder blades.
Commercial: “Talk to your kids about drugs before it’s too late”
“Kids. Kitchen. Now!”
“Yeah what?”
“This is oregano. Don’t get ripped off.”
I watched “Mordor’s Got Talent” last night, but it was pretty much just Elvish impersonators.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A CURE FOR ADHD!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
“SMARTIES!!!”
A young lady in the street just asked if I fancied sleeping with her for £50. I’m not really sleepy but I could do with the money.
Every time you microwave a pizza, Greg Wallace dies a little. What more incentive do you need?
When you land at Heathrow today, you have to dance round a maypole. I hate going through customs.
In the camping shop:
“I need a compass.”
“They’re over on the southeast wall.”
“Thanks pal!”
Yesterday I had sеx, visited Slough and then went horse chestnut picking. I came, eyesore, I conkered.
As grandma neared the end, we bought her a coffin. We attached wheels to it as she requested. After that, she went downhill very quickly.
Listen, you insensitive twаt. This is your deceased former lover’s coffin. Please stop referring to it as your X Box.
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call Pro Claimers NOW.
Heston’s Cannibal Feast, Ch4, 8pm. He’s preparing Warwick Davies inside Frankie Dettori inside Dermot Murnaghan inside Eric Pickles.
“Despite what you may have heard, I’m not a threat to anyone called Carol.” – Carol Decker
Therapist: “You need to stop having sex with barnyard animals.”
Patient: “Gradually?”
Therapist: “No! Cold turkey.”
Patient: “Mmmmm, cold turkey.”
I swear my Tourettes is getting worse.
On the Tube:
“Can I have your seat? I’m pregnant.”
“Of course. How far along are you?”
“About 20 minutes, but my legs are still wobbly.”
Halmyre said:
scorcher said:
Scientists in Geneva confirm the Large Hadron Collider has been reprogrammed to search for a violin small enough for George Galloway.
Didn't get that one...George Galloway was trounced in the recent general election and is viewed by some as an unpleasant character.
Getting a small violin out to play implies that you have no sympathy with an outcome.
Combine the above.
Vaud said:
Halmyre said:
scorcher said:
Scientists in Geneva confirm the Large Hadron Collider has been reprogrammed to search for a violin small enough for George Galloway.
Didn't get that one...George Galloway was trounced in the recent general election and is viewed by some as an unpleasant character.
Getting a small violin out to play implies that you have no sympathy with an outcome.
Combine the above.
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