Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head."
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head."
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car
A satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little satnav, I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones, my satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive.
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says, "you're doing thirty five."
It tells me when to stop and start and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver has so helpful a device,
For when we leave and lock the car it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages and my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that, once in a while, I could turn the flipping thing off.
A satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little satnav, I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones, my satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive.
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says, "you're doing thirty five."
It tells me when to stop and start and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver has so helpful a device,
For when we leave and lock the car it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages and my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that, once in a while, I could turn the flipping thing off.
At 6ft6, Bill was a big ex Royal Marine. He was sitting with the wife outside Costas having a coffee, the Salvation Army Band were playing about 20 yards away in the town square. Suddenly, an old female member of the band collapsed. Bill's wife said" Quick Bill, do something, you must have learned what to do in this situation in the Services!!". Like a flash Bill jumped up and went into action. Later, after the ambulance had taken the old lady away, the band leader came up to Bill and said ,"That was fantastic, tell me, had you ever played the triangle before??"
I was in a bar the other day...
...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.
Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.
She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."
I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"
She replied "Of course!"
"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."
...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.
Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.
She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."
I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"
She replied "Of course!"
"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."
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