Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Monkeylegend said:
Vipers said:
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
His father said "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
The boy said, "No they didn't Dad, Moses came down the mountain in his Triumph"
FTFY.His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
His father said "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
The boy said, "No they didn't Dad, Moses came down the mountain in his Triumph"
Kent Earth Quake Appeal
An earthquake measuring 4 on the Richter scale hit Ramsgate and Sandwich in the early hours of Friday
Its epicenter was in Ramsgate. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ramsgate.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Harper -Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Fruit Shoot to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, grey tracksuit bottoms (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £10 buys B&H fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Ramsgate - oh, sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway.
An earthquake measuring 4 on the Richter scale hit Ramsgate and Sandwich in the early hours of Friday
Its epicenter was in Ramsgate. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ramsgate.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Harper -Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Fruit Shoot to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, grey tracksuit bottoms (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £10 buys B&H fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
- *Breaking news*** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Aylesham" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Ramsgate - oh, sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway.
Thought the earth quake in Essex went down better, and the line:-
Tis strange how the same jokes get changed over the years, made me smile though, well done.
- Breaking news*** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Aylesham" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"
Tis strange how the same jokes get changed over the years, made me smile though, well done.
Currently wowing staff and kids at work with my version of this old classic...
Hold up some random object (yesterdays was a paint pallet) and say "did you know I can get every hedgehog in the world on this?"
They say "how?"
You hold random object up to your face as if it was a phone and say "calling all hedgehogs, calling all hedgehogs" in a mysterious voice
One lad laughs (everytime...)
Can't remember where I first saw it, is it familiar to anyone else?
Hold up some random object (yesterdays was a paint pallet) and say "did you know I can get every hedgehog in the world on this?"
They say "how?"
You hold random object up to your face as if it was a phone and say "calling all hedgehogs, calling all hedgehogs" in a mysterious voice
One lad laughs (everytime...)
Can't remember where I first saw it, is it familiar to anyone else?
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