Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Ayahuasca said:
silverfoxcc said:
I rather like gags that give you a wonderful mental image
So...
some time ago there was a redneck in Texas Other counties and residents can be used) who heard there was going to be a test drilling near to his land to see if oil was present.
He decides to go one better and check himself, so armed with a shovel and a strong desire to get rich, he stars to dig.
50ft/100ft nothing, he keeps going, 500ft a 1000ft deep still nothing ,but ol' redneck isnt giving up yet. having got to at least 2500ft down, with nothing to show but the water table seeping in he stops.
Mrs Redneck gets a bit upset on this very deep hole in her yard and asks him what he is going to do with it. His reply that 'i aint filling it in' decides that it would be a great idea to build a toilet over it.
Fast forward three days later and he is going to 'christen' his new building, and off he oes armed with a magazine. Thre hours later he hadnt returned and Mrs R goes to check on him, only to find him dead with all the symptoms of asphyxiation.
At the subsequent inquest the pathologist was at a loss on how to explain this poor mans demise, as there was no signs of him being suffocated,and suggested to the coroner that 'cause unknown' be recorded, until his mother stood up and suggested a reason.
'Your Honour, ever since Jake could use the toilet he had habit of holding his breath until he heard the splash'
Case Closed
If it is 2,500 feet deep the turd woukd take aprox 12 seconds to hit the water, and the sound if the splash would take say 2-3 seconds to reach the top, so he would only need to hold hus breathe for about 15 seconds. Not enough to die from really. So...
some time ago there was a redneck in Texas Other counties and residents can be used) who heard there was going to be a test drilling near to his land to see if oil was present.
He decides to go one better and check himself, so armed with a shovel and a strong desire to get rich, he stars to dig.
50ft/100ft nothing, he keeps going, 500ft a 1000ft deep still nothing ,but ol' redneck isnt giving up yet. having got to at least 2500ft down, with nothing to show but the water table seeping in he stops.
Mrs Redneck gets a bit upset on this very deep hole in her yard and asks him what he is going to do with it. His reply that 'i aint filling it in' decides that it would be a great idea to build a toilet over it.
Fast forward three days later and he is going to 'christen' his new building, and off he oes armed with a magazine. Thre hours later he hadnt returned and Mrs R goes to check on him, only to find him dead with all the symptoms of asphyxiation.
At the subsequent inquest the pathologist was at a loss on how to explain this poor mans demise, as there was no signs of him being suffocated,and suggested to the coroner that 'cause unknown' be recorded, until his mother stood up and suggested a reason.
'Your Honour, ever since Jake could use the toilet he had habit of holding his breath until he heard the splash'
Case Closed
fatboy18 said:
Ayahuasca said:
silverfoxcc said:
I rather like gags that give you a wonderful mental image
So...
some time ago there was a redneck in Texas Other counties and residents can be used) who heard there was going to be a test drilling near to his land to see if oil was present.
He decides to go one better and check himself, so armed with a shovel and a strong desire to get rich, he stars to dig.
50ft/100ft nothing, he keeps going, 500ft a 1000ft deep still nothing ,but ol' redneck isnt giving up yet. having got to at least 2500ft down, with nothing to show but the water table seeping in he stops.
Mrs Redneck gets a bit upset on this very deep hole in her yard and asks him what he is going to do with it. His reply that 'i aint filling it in' decides that it would be a great idea to build a toilet over it.
Fast forward three days later and he is going to 'christen' his new building, and off he oes armed with a magazine. Thre hours later he hadnt returned and Mrs R goes to check on him, only to find him dead with all the symptoms of asphyxiation.
At the subsequent inquest the pathologist was at a loss on how to explain this poor mans demise, as there was no signs of him being suffocated,and suggested to the coroner that 'cause unknown' be recorded, until his mother stood up and suggested a reason.
'Your Honour, ever since Jake could use the toilet he had habit of holding his breath until he heard the splash'
Case Closed
If it is 2,500 feet deep the turd woukd take aprox 12 seconds to hit the water, and the sound if the splash would take say 2-3 seconds to reach the top, so he would only need to hold hus breathe for about 15 seconds. Not enough to die from really. So...
some time ago there was a redneck in Texas Other counties and residents can be used) who heard there was going to be a test drilling near to his land to see if oil was present.
He decides to go one better and check himself, so armed with a shovel and a strong desire to get rich, he stars to dig.
50ft/100ft nothing, he keeps going, 500ft a 1000ft deep still nothing ,but ol' redneck isnt giving up yet. having got to at least 2500ft down, with nothing to show but the water table seeping in he stops.
Mrs Redneck gets a bit upset on this very deep hole in her yard and asks him what he is going to do with it. His reply that 'i aint filling it in' decides that it would be a great idea to build a toilet over it.
Fast forward three days later and he is going to 'christen' his new building, and off he oes armed with a magazine. Thre hours later he hadnt returned and Mrs R goes to check on him, only to find him dead with all the symptoms of asphyxiation.
At the subsequent inquest the pathologist was at a loss on how to explain this poor mans demise, as there was no signs of him being suffocated,and suggested to the coroner that 'cause unknown' be recorded, until his mother stood up and suggested a reason.
'Your Honour, ever since Jake could use the toilet he had habit of holding his breath until he heard the splash'
Case Closed
', '
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over here under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated "You may come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing as a ‘heartwarming lawyer story'???
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over here under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated "You may come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing as a ‘heartwarming lawyer story'???
Nice speech by Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe
Racism will never end as long as white cars are still using black tyres.
Racism Will never end as long we still wash white clothes first, then other colors later.
Racism will never end if people still use black to symbolise bad luck and WHITE for peace!
Racism will never end if people still wear white clothes to weddings and black clothes to the funerals.
Racism will never end as long as those who don't pay their bills are blacklisted not White listed.
Even when playing Snooker, you haven't won until you sink the black ball, and the white ball must remain on the field.
BUT I DON'T CARE, SO LONG AS I'M STILL USING WHITE TOILET PAPER TO WIPE MY BLACK ASS, I'M FINE!!
Racism will never end as long as white cars are still using black tyres.
Racism Will never end as long we still wash white clothes first, then other colors later.
Racism will never end if people still use black to symbolise bad luck and WHITE for peace!
Racism will never end if people still wear white clothes to weddings and black clothes to the funerals.
Racism will never end as long as those who don't pay their bills are blacklisted not White listed.
Even when playing Snooker, you haven't won until you sink the black ball, and the white ball must remain on the field.
BUT I DON'T CARE, SO LONG AS I'M STILL USING WHITE TOILET PAPER TO WIPE MY BLACK ASS, I'M FINE!!
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