Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
"Points Mean Prizes"!
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"See, me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Vipers said:
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"See, me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
I suppose it works with a hilly billy accent.....probably better with an Irish accent though. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"See, me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Vipers said:
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"See, me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"See, me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Not heard that for yonks.
And one from school...
How do you define a drawing pin?
A Smartie with an erection.
Well they made me chuckle.
IDIOT SIGHTING No.1
My daughter and I went to the McDonald's checkout to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
IDIOT SIGHTING No2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .
IDIOT SIGHTING No3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.' Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce. From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport
IDIOT SIGHTING No 6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans , Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde)
IDIOT SIGHTING No7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the. Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us.
AND THEY BREED!
IDIOT SIGHTING No.1
My daughter and I went to the McDonald's checkout to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
IDIOT SIGHTING No2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .
IDIOT SIGHTING No3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.' Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce. From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport
IDIOT SIGHTING No 6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans , Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde)
IDIOT SIGHTING No7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the. Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us.
AND THEY BREED!
Actually the "Deer Crossing" one is partly true:
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/deercrossing.a...
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/deercrossing.a...
Vaud said:
Actually the "Deer Crossing" one is partly true:
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/deercrossing.a...
Nice one, but honest the earthquake in Essex was TRUE I tell you. http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/deercrossing.a...
Vipers said:
IDIOT SIGHTING....
These remind me of a story somebody told on the Jobsworths thread. It went something like this:- The customer went to the till in a supermarket with his shopping, the bill came to £4.80.
- The customer handed the checkout operator a £10 note.
- The checkout operator got a £5 note and a 20p piece out of the till......hesitated....then put the £5 note back and got five £1 coins out instead before handing the change to the customer.
- The customers asks what's wrong with the £5 note.
- The checkout operator replies - "nothing - but it's my last one"
Maria, the maid, asks her boss for a raise
Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?'
Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'
Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?'
Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'
Another oldie
A young girl gets a job in an ironmongers. On her first day a guy comes in and says
"Have you got a b
d file", the girl a bit shocked runs to the back of the shop and tells the manager someone is using bad language in the shop. He explains that a bd file is a coarse cut type of file.
The next day a customer comes in and says "Do you sell files"
Knowing a bit about files now, says "Yes, do you want a flat bd"
He says "No, a little round fker
A young girl gets a job in an ironmongers. On her first day a guy comes in and says
"Have you got a b
d file", the girl a bit shocked runs to the back of the shop and tells the manager someone is using bad language in the shop. He explains that a bd file is a coarse cut type of file.The next day a customer comes in and says "Do you sell files"
Knowing a bit about files now, says "Yes, do you want a flat b
d"He says "No, a little round f
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