Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

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Ayahuasca

27,427 posts

278 months

Saturday 27th June 2015
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Vipers said:
Another oldie


A young girl gets a job in an ironmongers. On her first day a guy comes in and says

"Have you got a bd file", the girl a bit shocked runs to the back of the shop and tells the manager someone is using bad language in the shop. He explains that a bd file is a coarse cut type of file.

The next day a customer comes in and says "Do you sell files"

Knowing a bit about files now, says "Yes, do you want a flat bd"

He says "No, a little round fker




smile




smile
Just as well she didn't work in a chandlers and the customer asked for a splice.

Leafspring

7,032 posts

136 months

Saturday 27th June 2015
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MartG said:
My career as an archaeologist is in ruins.
Where did you dig that old one up then?

cookmysock

843 posts

200 months

Saturday 27th June 2015
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Leafspring said:
MartG said:
My career as an archaeologist is in ruins.
Where did you dig that old one up then?
i fear this will end with grave consequences

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Saturday 27th June 2015
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Ayahuasca said:
Just as well she didn't work in a chandlers and the customer asked for a splice.
Didn't know that, every day is a school day. biggrin




smile

silverfoxcc

7,683 posts

144 months

Saturday 27th June 2015
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Father runs a very sucessful business, son is being groomed to take over. Cometh his 16th birthday Dad says to him
'Son i am going to teach you the rules of business, climb up this ladder to the roof'
Son looks quizzically at him,'But Dad, you know i dont like heights'
'Dont worry, i will hold the ladder steady for you'
Son climbs up very slowly and very firghtened, He looks down 'Daad!'
'Keep going i am keeping it steady'
As son nears the top the father kicks the bottom of the ladder and son falls to the ground
Looking up at his Dad, he tries to speak but Dad says

'First lesson, Trust no one'

PoleDriver

28,614 posts

193 months

Sunday 28th June 2015
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The first train since the French reorganised their border policy arrives in England


Morningside

24,110 posts

228 months

Sunday 28th June 2015
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Hooli said:
Vipers said:
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"See, me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."




smile
laugh

Not heard that for yonks.



And one from school...

How do you define a drawing pin?

A Smartie with an erection.
Another old school one.

What's the definition of pain?
A fly sliding down a razorblade using his balls for brakes.


K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Monday 29th June 2015
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No

Evangelion

7,639 posts

177 months

Monday 29th June 2015
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Luke Skywalker and R2-D2 went to a Chinese restaurant for dinner. Luke scanned the menu and spotted egg fried rice so he said to R2-D2 “Oh that's my favourite - I’m definitely ordering that!”
So when the waiter arrived Luke ordered the egg fried rice and a few other side dishes. Now Luke was absolutely starving, so as soon as his meal arrived he grabbed the chopsticks and dug in, and it was delicious.
But not being a chopstick pro, Luke had problems getting good mouthfuls of the rice with his chopsticks. He kept trying, but couldn’t quite manage. Finally in frustration he chucked his chopsticks down and angrily said, “This is ridiculous! How the hell is anyone supposed to eat properly with these!”
He was just about to continue with his angry chopstick rant, when all of a sudden the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi appeared!
And before Luke could say another word, Obi-Wan Kenobi smiled and gently whispered ...



















“Use the forks, Luke”.

mcm66

240 posts

180 months

Monday 29th June 2015
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Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, lightsabers drawn, sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!" Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?" Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, "... I felt your presents."

PoleDriver

28,614 posts

193 months

Monday 29th June 2015
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Yes Squire?
No Squire! frown

StevieBee

12,794 posts

254 months

Monday 29th June 2015
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mcm66 said:
Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, lightsabers drawn, sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!" Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?" Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, "... I felt your presents."
I'm sorry but these are not the jokes were are looking for.

Sortie 10

724 posts

251 months

Monday 29th June 2015
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Perhaps not a joke, as it really happened. My grandmother took me to watch Star Wars when it first came out & told her friends that she had taken me to see the "Daft Invader"...

PoleDriver

28,614 posts

193 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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The green party have announced today their solution to the problem with potholes in our roads!


K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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Just had a text message....

....let's see - what does it say?....

....oh that is sad news!

Probably get another txt wth fnrl dtls nxt....

Usget

5,426 posts

210 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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K12beano said:
Just had a text message....

....let's see - what does it say?....

....oh that is sad news!

Probably get another txt wth fnrl dtls nxt....
:-(

Gargamel

14,957 posts

260 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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Did you hear about the re boot of the Childrens TV series featuring a former Blue Peter presenter in a series of puzzling challenges where each week he has to survive alone on a island...






Gone with Noakes

PoleDriver

28,614 posts

193 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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Good boy, go find John!


VladD

7,853 posts

264 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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If he's joined ISIS I'll go right off him.

Halmyre

11,148 posts

138 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
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PoleDriver said:
The green party have announced today their solution to the problem with potholes in our roads!

That looks more permanent than some of the repairs they do around here.

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