Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous, but proud and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "I will create Washington, DC. Wait till you see the fools I put there."
One afternoon at Penwith College, a group of sixth formers were attending one of their first psychology classes. The topic was emotional extremes.
"Let's begin by discussing some contrasts" said the tutor. He pointed to a student, Bob, in the front row, and asked, "what is the opposite of joy?"
Bob thought about it briefly, and answered "sadness".
The tutor asked another student, Jack, "what is the opposite of depression?"
Jack paused and then said "elation?"
"And you" the tutor said to Denzil sitting at the back. "What is the opposite of woe?"
Denzil thought about it for a moment and then replied, "erm, I believe that might be giddy-up".
"Let's begin by discussing some contrasts" said the tutor. He pointed to a student, Bob, in the front row, and asked, "what is the opposite of joy?"
Bob thought about it briefly, and answered "sadness".
The tutor asked another student, Jack, "what is the opposite of depression?"
Jack paused and then said "elation?"
"And you" the tutor said to Denzil sitting at the back. "What is the opposite of woe?"
Denzil thought about it for a moment and then replied, "erm, I believe that might be giddy-up".
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars",
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent"
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars",
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent"
though.An old nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
And so, she decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And, do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused...
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"
The worker yelled back," 'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."
And so, she decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And, do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused...
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"
The worker yelled back," 'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."
^^^^
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