Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

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pad58

12,543 posts

180 months

Tuesday 7th July 2015
quotequote all
mybrainhurts said:
illmonkey said:
Stupid American jokes.
Like Al Gore, you mean...?
I hope you sir are not here to troll...because you're funny.

sparks_E39

12,738 posts

212 months

Tuesday 7th July 2015
quotequote all
I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog st.
A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, “I just did that.” So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bd.

Mojooo

12,668 posts

179 months

Wednesday 8th July 2015
quotequote all
Mermaid said:
VladD said:
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
laugh
I don't get why its so funny...

XJSJohn

15,959 posts

218 months

Wednesday 8th July 2015
quotequote all

fatboy18

18,930 posts

210 months

Wednesday 8th July 2015
quotequote all
Mojooo said:
Mermaid said:
VladD said:
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
laugh
I don't get why its so funny...
"Scan the Navy In" wink

MartG

20,620 posts

203 months

Wednesday 8th July 2015
quotequote all
What's the capital of Greece? About 15 Drachma.

Monkeylegend

26,226 posts

230 months

Wednesday 8th July 2015
quotequote all
What do you do if you are being attacked by a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

(Courtesy of Ken Bruce)

General Price

5,238 posts

182 months

Wednesday 8th July 2015
quotequote all
During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom.

An hour later Michael was doing the rounds, when he saw Mick Jagger and the rolling stones coming out of his bedroom. ‘Alwight mick? What you been up to?’ ‘Oh Jim Morrisson told us there was a girl in there that who sucks some good cock and she really does!’.

‘Arrgh! fks sake!’ shouted Michael and stormed into his bedroom.

‘What the hell do you think you were doing?’ he screamed at the girl. ‘Whats the matter? I thought that’s what you wanted me to do?’ she replied. ‘No, you silly cow! Youre only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!!!!’.

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Wednesday 8th July 2015
quotequote all

One day Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears Catalog and admiring all the beautiful models.

Ole said to Sven, "Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?"

Sven replied, "Ya , Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!"

Ole looked wide eyed and said, "Yumpin' yimminy. Dey ain't very expensive. At dees prices I'm buyin' me vun."

Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, "by golly Ole, if she's as perdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vun too.

Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole, "did ja ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears Catalog?"

Ole replied, "no, but it von't be long now, her clothes came yesterday!"




smile

daytona365

1,773 posts

163 months

Wednesday 8th July 2015
quotequote all
MartG said:
What's the capital of Greece? About 15 Drachma.
.....bd. I'm quarter Greek.

Chlamydia

1,082 posts

126 months

Thursday 9th July 2015
quotequote all
daytona365 said:
MartG said:
What's the capital of Greece? About 15 Drachma.
.....bd. I'm quarter Greek.
I'm half German - you owe me a tenner wink

NoNeed

15,137 posts

199 months

Thursday 9th July 2015
quotequote all
Chlamydia said:
daytona365 said:
MartG said:
What's the capital of Greece? About 15 Drachma.
.....bd. I'm quarter Greek.
I'm half German - you owe me a tenner wink
hehe

Nom de ploom

4,890 posts

173 months

Thursday 9th July 2015
quotequote all
General Price said:
During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom.

An hour later Michael was doing the rounds, when he saw Mick Jagger and the rolling stones coming out of his bedroom. ‘Alwight mick? What you been up to?’ ‘Oh Jim Morrisson told us there was a girl in there that who sucks some good cock and she really does!’.

‘Arrgh! fks sake!’ shouted Michael and stormed into his bedroom.

‘What the hell do you think you were doing?’ he screamed at the girl. ‘Whats the matter? I thought that’s what you wanted me to do?’ she replied. ‘No, you silly cow! Youre only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!!!!’.
get out. and don't come back.

Ayahuasca

27,427 posts

278 months

Thursday 9th July 2015
quotequote all
Nom de ploom said:
General Price said:
During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom.

An hour later Michael was doing the rounds, when he saw Mick Jagger and the rolling stones coming out of his bedroom. ‘Alwight mick? What you been up to?’ ‘Oh Jim Morrisson told us there was a girl in there that who sucks some good cock and she really does!’.

‘Arrgh! fks sake!’ shouted Michael and stormed into his bedroom.

‘What the hell do you think you were doing?’ he screamed at the girl. ‘Whats the matter? I thought that’s what you wanted me to do?’ she replied. ‘No, you silly cow! Youre only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!!!!’.
get out. and don't come back.
This is the end.

2013BRM

39,731 posts

283 months

Thursday 9th July 2015
quotequote all
NoNeed said:
Chlamydia said:
daytona365 said:
MartG said:
What's the capital of Greece? About 15 Drachma.
.....bd. I'm quarter Greek.
I'm half German - you owe me a tenner wink
hehe
now THAT was funny

Doofus

25,732 posts

172 months

Thursday 9th July 2015
quotequote all
2013BRM said:
NoNeed said:
Chlamydia said:
daytona365 said:
MartG said:
What's the capital of Greece? About 15 Drachma.
.....bd. I'm quarter Greek.
I'm half German - you owe me a tenner wink
hehe
now THAT was funny
Yup thumbup

Hooli

32,278 posts

199 months

Thursday 9th July 2015
quotequote all
Doofus said:
2013BRM said:
NoNeed said:
Chlamydia said:
daytona365 said:
MartG said:
What's the capital of Greece? About 15 Drachma.
.....bd. I'm quarter Greek.
I'm half German - you owe me a tenner wink
hehe
now THAT was funny
Yup thumbup
Worth another rofl

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Thursday 9th July 2015
quotequote all
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night.

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks, and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

Gotta love grandmothers.




smile


Hooli

32,278 posts

199 months

Thursday 9th July 2015
quotequote all
laugh

MartG

20,620 posts

203 months

Thursday 9th July 2015
quotequote all

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