Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Nom de ploom said:
General Price said:
During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.
‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom.
An hour later Michael was doing the rounds, when he saw Mick Jagger and the rolling stones coming out of his bedroom. ‘Alwight mick? What you been up to?’ ‘Oh Jim Morrisson told us there was a girl in there that who sucks some good cock and she really does!’.
‘Arrgh! f
ks sake!’ shouted Michael and stormed into his bedroom.
‘What the hell do you think you were doing?’ he screamed at the girl. ‘Whats the matter? I thought that’s what you wanted me to do?’ she replied. ‘No, you silly cow! Youre only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!!!!’.
get out. and don't come back.‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom.
An hour later Michael was doing the rounds, when he saw Mick Jagger and the rolling stones coming out of his bedroom. ‘Alwight mick? What you been up to?’ ‘Oh Jim Morrisson told us there was a girl in there that who sucks some good cock and she really does!’.
‘Arrgh! f
ks sake!’ shouted Michael and stormed into his bedroom.‘What the hell do you think you were doing?’ he screamed at the girl. ‘Whats the matter? I thought that’s what you wanted me to do?’ she replied. ‘No, you silly cow! Youre only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!!!!’.
A flea walks into a travel agents, and asks the fella behind the desk.
"I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a holiday"
The travel agent replies.
"Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of Sun, beach and good food"
Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent.
"It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night"
"Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women"
Again the flea returns after four days.
"Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once"
"Ok" replied the travel agent "I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her Muff?"
"That sounds amazing" said the flea.
Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agent
"Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" asked the travel agent.
"No she was wonerful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food, meeting beautiful people"
"What's wrong why are you back here early?"
"Well, it's strange, after three days I ended up back on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"
RIP
"I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a holiday"
The travel agent replies.
"Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of Sun, beach and good food"
Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent.
"It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night"
"Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women"
Again the flea returns after four days.
"Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once"
"Ok" replied the travel agent "I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her Muff?"
"That sounds amazing" said the flea.
Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agent
"Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" asked the travel agent.
"No she was wonerful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food, meeting beautiful people"
"What's wrong why are you back here early?"
"Well, it's strange, after three days I ended up back on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"
RIP
AndyDubbya said:
A flea walks into a travel agents, and asks the fella behind the desk.
"I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a holiday"
The travel agent replies.
"Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of Sun, beach and good food"
Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent.
"It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night"
"Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women"
Again the flea returns after four days.
"Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once"
"Ok" replied the travel agent "I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her Muff?"
"That sounds amazing" said the flea.
Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agent
"Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" asked the travel agent.
"No she was wonerful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food, meeting beautiful people"
"What's wrong why are you back here early?"
"Well, it's strange, after three days I ended up back on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"
RIP
"I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a holiday"
The travel agent replies.
"Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of Sun, beach and good food"
Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent.
"It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night"
"Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women"
Again the flea returns after four days.
"Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once"
"Ok" replied the travel agent "I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her Muff?"
"That sounds amazing" said the flea.
Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agent
"Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" asked the travel agent.
"No she was wonerful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food, meeting beautiful people"
"What's wrong why are you back here early?"
"Well, it's strange, after three days I ended up back on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"
RIP
Well finessed.Mermaid said:
AndyDubbya said:
A flea walks into a travel agents, and asks the fella behind the desk.
"I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a holiday"
The travel agent replies.
"Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of Sun, beach and good food"
Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent.
"It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night"
"Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women"
Again the flea returns after four days.
"Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once"
"Ok" replied the travel agent "I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her Muff?"
"That sounds amazing" said the flea.
Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agent
"Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" asked the travel agent.
"No she was wonerful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food, meeting beautiful people"
"What's wrong why are you back here early?"
"Well, it's strange, after three days I ended up back on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"
RIP
"I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a holiday"
The travel agent replies.
"Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of Sun, beach and good food"
Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent.
"It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night"
"Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women"
Again the flea returns after four days.
"Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once"
"Ok" replied the travel agent "I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her Muff?"
"That sounds amazing" said the flea.
Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agent
"Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" asked the travel agent.
"No she was wonerful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food, meeting beautiful people"
"What's wrong why are you back here early?"
"Well, it's strange, after three days I ended up back on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"
RIP
Well finessed.
Mermaid said:
AndyDubbya said:
A flea walks into a travel agents, and asks the fella behind the desk.
"I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a holiday"
The travel agent replies.
"Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of Sun, beach and good food"
Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent.
"It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night"
"Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women"
Again the flea returns after four days.
"Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once"
"Ok" replied the travel agent "I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her Muff?"
"That sounds amazing" said the flea.
Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agent
"Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" asked the travel agent.
"No she was wonerful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food, meeting beautiful people"
"What's wrong why are you back here early?"
"Well, it's strange, after three days I ended up back on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"
RIP
"I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a holiday"
The travel agent replies.
"Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of Sun, beach and good food"
Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent.
"It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night"
"Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women"
Again the flea returns after four days.
"Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once"
"Ok" replied the travel agent "I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her Muff?"
"That sounds amazing" said the flea.
Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agent
"Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" asked the travel agent.
"No she was wonerful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food, meeting beautiful people"
"What's wrong why are you back here early?"
"Well, it's strange, after three days I ended up back on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"
RIP
Well finessed.silverfoxcc said:
Vipers said:
Paddy walks into a bar and says to the barman "Pint of beer please"
Barman says "Whitbread"
Paddy says "No, on its own"
He then went into another pub and asked for a pint of lagerBarman says "Whitbread"
Paddy says "No, on its own"
Barman says Lime?
Paddy says two shovelfulls
Barman says sorry Paddy sold out.
Ok says Paddy I'll have a Luger and lime.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. Then a second finger, then a third, and she kept getting even more wet as I drove them in deeper.
I took my fingers back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new boat," I thought to myself.
I took my fingers back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new boat," I thought to myself.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2015 EUROPE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the *******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the *******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
I was having a **** in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a ****!"
He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a ****!"
He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
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