Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
A B-52 and an F-16 are on a training exercise. The F-16 is escorting the B-52, and begins hot dogging. He pulls loops, rolls and high G turns. He finally comes over the radio and says,
" Bet your BUFF can't do that."
The B-52 carries on flying straight and, level for another 5 or 10 mins.
The B-52 pilot finally comes back over the air.
"Bet you cant do that hotshot"
The F-16 pilot is mystified.
"What did you do" He asks.
"Went for a dump and made a cup of coffee"
" Bet your BUFF can't do that."
The B-52 carries on flying straight and, level for another 5 or 10 mins.
The B-52 pilot finally comes back over the air.
"Bet you cant do that hotshot"
The F-16 pilot is mystified.
"What did you do" He asks.
"Went for a dump and made a cup of coffee"
Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down, so they resort to hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 2,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave.
The Scousers suggest that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 2,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon and the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time, he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies, with sarcasm, "Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this and wants to take a look. He opens the back door, has a peek, then quickly shuts and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
”I've got a wagon with 2,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and they’ve already nicked a motorbike!”
The Scousers suggest that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 2,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon and the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time, he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies, with sarcasm, "Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this and wants to take a look. He opens the back door, has a peek, then quickly shuts and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.
”I've got a wagon with 2,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and they’ve already nicked a motorbike!”
GuinnessMK said:
Mermaid said:
AndyDubbya said:
A flea walks into a travel agents, and asks the fella behind the desk.
"I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a holiday"
The travel agent replies.
"Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of Sun, beach and good food"
Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent.
"It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night"
"Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women"
Again the flea returns after four days.
"Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once"
"Ok" replied the travel agent "I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her Muff?"
"That sounds amazing" said the flea.
Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agent
"Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" asked the travel agent.
"No she was wonerful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food, meeting beautiful people"
"What's wrong why are you back here early?"
"Well, it's strange, after three days I ended up back on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"
RIP
That's bloody ancient - so ancient that it was Acker Bilk's beard and Kathy Kirbys c***"I've been working very hard this year and I want to book a holiday"
The travel agent replies.
"Sure, we've got a great one that I can book for you, it's seven days on Ringo Starr's hair. He's in Nice so should plenty of Sun, beach and good food"
Four days later the flea comes back to the travel agent.
"It was rubbish, he's a drummer, it was loud and he spent all day sleeping and only went out at night"
"Well, Omar Sharif is in Monte Carlo, I'll book you in for seven days on his moustache. There should be plenty of fresh air, sun and beautiful women"
Again the flea returns after four days.
"Omar Sharif plays bridge all day and never left the casino, I didn't see the sun once"
"Ok" replied the travel agent "I've got a special for you. Bridget Bardot is in St Tropez, shall I book you in for a week on her Muff?"
"That sounds amazing" said the flea.
Four days later the flea once again walked into the travel agent
"Whats wrong? Did you not like Bridget Bardot?" asked the travel agent.
"No she was wonerful, she spent all day lounging in the sun, waited on hand and foot, eating wonderful food, meeting beautiful people"
"What's wrong why are you back here early?"
"Well, it's strange, after three days I ended up back on Omar Sharif's Moustache!"
RIP
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops
ago!
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops
ago!
I was called back, two days after handing in my job application to join the police force.
"We're impressed, Mr Parker, but there's an omission on your application," the sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner."
"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it."
"Great, can you start Monday!!.
"We're impressed, Mr Parker, but there's an omission on your application," the sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner."
"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it."
"Great, can you start Monday!!.
An ex-Royal Navy Chief Stoker joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'You've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'You've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
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