Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Monkeylegend said:
XJSJohn said:
phumy said:
An ex-Royal Navy Chief Stoker ..........
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
This is a true story isn't it ..... The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers, "Yes".
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
"Mom," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers, "Yes".
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvelous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvelous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
VladD said:
K12beano said:
Must have taken nearly an hour just to dig the body up, then? His friend is sleeping with his wife (not the priests), hence the need to hurry home.
Also, the usage of Priest & Mass(*2) indicates Catholicism, so no wife for the priest either!
(*1) And this is quite a good one.
(*2) Yes, I realise that the high church also has priests and masses, but surely it would be better to use the terms vicar and service to remove all doubt.
Corpulent Tosser said:
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvelous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
Very good. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvelous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
tangerine_sedge said:
I hate to deconstruct jokes(*1), but...
His friend is sleeping with his wife (not the priests), hence the need to hurry home.
Also, the usage of Priest & Mass(*2) indicates Catholicism, so no wife for the priest either!
(*1) And this is quite a good one.
(*2) Yes, I realise that the high church also has priests and masses, but surely it would be better to use the terms vicar and service to remove all doubt.
We understood the joke, we were deliberately misunderstanding it for comedy effect. It obviously didn't work.His friend is sleeping with his wife (not the priests), hence the need to hurry home.
Also, the usage of Priest & Mass(*2) indicates Catholicism, so no wife for the priest either!
(*1) And this is quite a good one.
(*2) Yes, I realise that the high church also has priests and masses, but surely it would be better to use the terms vicar and service to remove all doubt.
Corpulent Tosser said:
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvelous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvelous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
Sounds about right.
Asterix said:
Corpulent Tosser said:
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvelous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvelous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
Sounds about right.
Is this the joke or news thread?
WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times-aup!' "?
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times-aup!' "?
VladD said:
tangerine_sedge said:
I hate to deconstruct jokes(*1), but...
His friend is sleeping with his wife (not the priests), hence the need to hurry home.
Also, the usage of Priest & Mass(*2) indicates Catholicism, so no wife for the priest either!
(*1) And this is quite a good one.
(*2) Yes, I realise that the high church also has priests and masses, but surely it would be better to use the terms vicar and service to remove all doubt.
We understood the joke, we were deliberately misunderstanding it for comedy effect. It obviously didn't work.His friend is sleeping with his wife (not the priests), hence the need to hurry home.
Also, the usage of Priest & Mass(*2) indicates Catholicism, so no wife for the priest either!
(*1) And this is quite a good one.
(*2) Yes, I realise that the high church also has priests and masses, but surely it would be better to use the terms vicar and service to remove all doubt.
Two female teachers took a group
of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to
Cheltenham Racecourse. When it was time to take the children
to the 'Toilet', it was decided that the girls
would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the little
boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little
boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by
one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the
flow away from their clothes and then shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his
equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade
3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race,
but I really appreciate your help.
of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to
Cheltenham Racecourse. When it was time to take the children
to the 'Toilet', it was decided that the girls
would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the little
boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little
boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by
one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the
flow away from their clothes and then shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his
equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade
3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race,
but I really appreciate your help.
tangerine_sedge said:
VladD said:
K12beano said:
Must have taken nearly an hour just to dig the body up, then? His friend is sleeping with his wife (not the priests), hence the need to hurry home.
Also, the usage of Priest & Mass(*2) indicates Catholicism, so no wife for the priest either!
(*1) And this is quite a good one.
(*2) Yes, I realise that the high church also has priests and masses, but surely it would be better to use the terms vicar and service to remove all doubt.
‘PSYCHIATRIST VS. BARTENDER
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
FORGET THE SHRINKS. HAVE A GLASS OF WINE & TALK TO A BARTENDER! ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
FORGET THE SHRINKS. HAVE A GLASS OF WINE & TALK TO A BARTENDER! ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
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