Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it ! We have a 10:00 AM tee time and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work !
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it, sir ?”
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him. ”
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting
at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our b
ks. There's no point in you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting
at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our b
ks. There's no point in you coming in for that."In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The Nuns wanted to make her last journey comfortable and gave her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey, they opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips.
The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she gulped it down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns asked how she felt.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us".
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "DON'T SELL THAT COW."
The Nuns wanted to make her last journey comfortable and gave her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey, they opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips.
The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she gulped it down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns asked how she felt.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us".
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "DON'T SELL THAT COW."
smn159 said:
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting
at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our bks. There's no point in you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting
at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our b
ks. There's no point in you coming in for that."
Like that one 
fatboy18 said:
smn159 said:
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting
at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our bks. There's no point in you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting
at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our b
ks. There's no point in you coming in for that." Like that one Hooli said:
fatboy18 said:
smn159 said:
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting
at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our bks. There's no point in you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting
at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our b
ks. There's no point in you coming in for that." Like that one Must remember that one!thismonkeyhere said:
Hooli said:
fatboy18 said:
smn159 said:
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting
at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our bks. There's no point in you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting
at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our b
ks. There's no point in you coming in for that." Like that one Must remember that one!
Monkeylegend said:
A lady went to a fancy dress party wearing only a pair of black gloves and socks.
"what have you come as?" asked the host,
She put her arms up in the air and said "The five of clubs"
She must have been either bald, or a....er, ladyshaver. If not, she'd have been the six of clubs."what have you come as?" asked the host,
She put her arms up in the air and said "The five of clubs"
Monkeylegend said:
A lady went to a fancy dress party wearing only a pair of black gloves and socks.
"what have you come as?" asked the host,
She put her arms up in the air and said "The five of clubs"
"what have you come as?" asked the host,
She put her arms up in the air and said "The five of clubs"
mattdaniels said:
A chap turns up at a fancy dress party giving a woman a piggy back.
"What have you come as?" asks the host.
"I've come as a snail" replies the chap.
"So who's that on your back?"
"This is Michelle"
"What have you come as?" asks the host.
"I've come as a snail" replies the chap.
"So who's that on your back?"
"This is Michelle"
Ayahuasca said:
When my granddad was very poorly we covered his back in grease.
He went down hill fast after that.
He went down hill fast after that.
davhill said:
Monkeylegend said:
A lady went to a fancy dress party wearing only a pair of black gloves and socks.
"what have you come as?" asked the host,
She put her arms up in the air and said "The five of clubs"
She must have been either bald, or a....er, ladyshaver. If not, she'd have been the six of clubs."what have you come as?" asked the host,
She put her arms up in the air and said "The five of clubs"
Am I missing something? Or about to be visited by the whoosh parrot!?!
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