Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
A Sparky (an Electrician – claimed to be the ‘Royalty’ of all trades) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everybody wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can’t get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting for you for a long time.”
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the Ten Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I’m a Sparky, the ‘Royalty’ of all trades?”
“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you.”
The Sparky is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and found to be worthy. But I only lived to be forty.”
“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter, “we’ve added up your time sheets.”
Just when he thinks things can’t get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting for you for a long time.”
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the Ten Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I’m a Sparky, the ‘Royalty’ of all trades?”
“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you.”
The Sparky is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and found to be worthy. But I only lived to be forty.”
“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter, “we’ve added up your time sheets.”
Jonboy_t said:
A Sparky (an Electrician – claimed to be the ‘Royalty’ of all trades) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everybody wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can’t get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting for you for a long time.”
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the Ten Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I’m a Sparky, the ‘Royalty’ of all trades?”
“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you.”
The Sparky is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and found to be worthy. But I only lived to be forty.”
“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter, “we’ve added up your time sheets.”
Just when he thinks things can’t get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting for you for a long time.”
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the Ten Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I’m a Sparky, the ‘Royalty’ of all trades?”
“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you.”
The Sparky is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and found to be worthy. But I only lived to be forty.”
“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter, “we’ve added up your time sheets.”
bencollins said:
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes, but doesnt fancy any. he looks across at the tank of fish. There, languishing at the back is a funny looking squid with facial hair. it had been there for years because nobody wanted it. Over time, the staff had become quite attached to it.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.
"Okay." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face.
Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show...
...
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. with mild green, hairy lip squid
I can't tell this joke to anyone. It just cracks me up before I get to the punchline"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.
"Okay." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face.
Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show...
...
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. with mild green, hairy lip squid
Edited by bencollins on Saturday 25th July 20:05
Pinocchio goes to a party and pulls a girl. They go back to her place and start getting down to it. When he gets hi skit off she's disappointed to find that he's not complete, she says what are you going to do now, I'm gagging for it and you haven't the tackle to do the job.
He says, don't worry, just sit on my face and I'll lie to you.
(Which could be where the expression f
k knows originated)
He says, don't worry, just sit on my face and I'll lie to you.
(Which could be where the expression f
k knows originated)Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff