Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

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Discussion

tezzer

983 posts

187 months

Sunday 2nd August 2015
quotequote all
mph999 said:
rofl
Stolen for FB.

hacksaw

750 posts

118 months

Sunday 2nd August 2015
quotequote all
tezzer said:
mph999 said:
rofl
Stolen for FB.
Me too.

Asterix

24,438 posts

229 months

Sunday 2nd August 2015
quotequote all
scottish grinnal said:
Posted this on facebook and all has let loose!

Awesome!

Vipers

32,893 posts

229 months

Monday 3rd August 2015
quotequote all
vx220 said:
mph999 said:
scottish grinnal said:
rofl
That helped me at the end of a ship day
All at sea was you biggrin




smile

Legend83

9,982 posts

223 months

Monday 3rd August 2015
quotequote all
scottish grinnal said:
Excellent.

Hugo a Gogo

23,378 posts

234 months

Monday 3rd August 2015
quotequote all
john2443 said:
As the joke thread is usually the first place to spot an obituary, I'm disappointed that no ones come up with a joke about the Bin Laden's plane crashing at Blackbush car auctions.

(That's an observation not a joke before anyone asks!)
the car they hit was a 911?

(ok, I just made it up, piss poor I know)

vx220

2,691 posts

235 months

Monday 3rd August 2015
quotequote all
Vipers said:
vx220 said:
mph999 said:
scottish grinnal said:
rofl
That helped me at the end of a ship day
All at sea were you biggrin





smile
FTFY!

Tricky day, not getting much better today!

Vipers

32,893 posts

229 months

Monday 3rd August 2015
quotequote all
Knock knock "Whose there"

"Cilla"

"Cilla who"

"Surprise surprise it's not Cilla Black"




smile

Evangelion

7,729 posts

179 months

Tuesday 4th August 2015
quotequote all
I'm sure the lady herself would have loved all these, she enjoyed a good laff.

mr_spock

3,341 posts

216 months

Tuesday 4th August 2015
quotequote all
A chap turned up to a fancy dress party in nothing but his underwear.

Host says: "Hi Dave, what have you come as?"
Dave: "I'm a premature ejaculation!"
Host: "Eh?"
Dave: "I've come in my pants"

Sorry.

Ari

19,347 posts

216 months

Tuesday 4th August 2015
quotequote all
Next bloke turns up naked with a woman on his back.

"What have you come as?" asked the bemused host.

"A tortoise", said the naked man.

"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.

"Oh, that's Michelle!" the naked man explained.

Vipers

32,893 posts

229 months

Tuesday 4th August 2015
quotequote all

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."




smile

EarlOfHazard

3,603 posts

159 months

Tuesday 4th August 2015
quotequote all
Vipers said:
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."




smile
hahahahaha

Vipers

32,893 posts

229 months

Tuesday 4th August 2015
quotequote all
EarlOfHazard said:
hahahahaha
'Twas a new one on me as well. biggrin




smile

Vipers

32,893 posts

229 months

Tuesday 4th August 2015
quotequote all

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."




smile

Laurel Green

30,780 posts

233 months

Tuesday 4th August 2015
quotequote all
Vipers said:
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."




smile
hehe

kowalski655

14,647 posts

144 months

Tuesday 4th August 2015
quotequote all
Cilla Blacks autopsy has confirmed the cause of death as an unexpected hit between the eyes

Hooli

32,278 posts

201 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
Laurel Green said:
Vipers said:
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."




smile
hehe
Worth another hehe

StevieBee

12,912 posts

256 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
Just realised how lucky I was as a kid.

I wrote to Jim'll Fix It asking if I could have a go on Ted Heath's organ. Never got a reply!

IanCress

4,409 posts

167 months

Wednesday 5th August 2015
quotequote all
What do you call a lion in a fancy hat?

A Dandy Lion.
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