Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Older than the Ark, but...
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
Yes, yes. I didn't know they had E-mails in those days either.
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
Yes, yes. I didn't know they had E-mails in those days either.
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife,
"Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences.
Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property…………..
"Property?”, Sarah Smith replies. “The a
hole had a window cleaning round."
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife,
"Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences.
Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property…………..
"Property?”, Sarah Smith replies. “The a
hole had a window cleaning round."I'm sure the mods will tell me if this is too un-PC:
Abraham is in bed. He knows his long life is nearly at and end. His sight has long gone.
"Rebecca, my wife of 53 years; are you there?"
"I'm here, dear husband."
"Isaac, my eldest son; are you there?"
"I'm here, father."
"Naomi, my lovely daughter; are you there?"
"I'm here, father."
"Then who's looking after the shop?"
Abraham is in bed. He knows his long life is nearly at and end. His sight has long gone.
"Rebecca, my wife of 53 years; are you there?"
"I'm here, dear husband."
"Isaac, my eldest son; are you there?"
"I'm here, father."
"Naomi, my lovely daughter; are you there?"
"I'm here, father."
"Then who's looking after the shop?"
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery.
Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”
Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”
Nearly as quick as the innings!
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