Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

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vx220

2,691 posts

235 months

Thursday 20th August 2015
quotequote all
ADEuk said:
Two Nuns in the shower, one says "Where's the soap?"
"Yes it does" replied the second
Help me out here?

eta as in "wears the soap"???

marshalla

15,902 posts

202 months

Thursday 20th August 2015
quotequote all
Two old men, sitting on a bench.

One says to the other, "Nice out, isn't it?"
The other replies "Yes. I think I'll take mine out too."

GrumpyTwig

3,354 posts

158 months

Friday 21st August 2015
quotequote all
vx220 said:
Help me out here?

eta as in "wears the soap"???
That and nuns being either poor or tight I guess? It took a bit of work that one ^_^

K12beano

20,854 posts

276 months

Friday 21st August 2015
quotequote all
vx220 said:
Help me out here?

...as the Bishop said to the Actress.

BigMacDaddy

963 posts

182 months

Friday 21st August 2015
quotequote all
callyman said:
Sorry if pearoast.

'Our Cilla' has died and gone to Heaven, she's 'God's Cilla' now.
So expect her to be attacking Tokyo in the upcoming weeks.
I'd be apologetic if I'd told that one as well tongue out

General Price

5,255 posts

184 months

Friday 21st August 2015
quotequote all
The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise. frown





I shouted "Stop!" but,if anything,that made things worse.

callyman

3,153 posts

213 months

Friday 21st August 2015
quotequote all
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.
It really was a vile inn.

GloverMart

11,831 posts

216 months

Saturday 22nd August 2015
quotequote all
Help! I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure.

I've only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me. OVNR.

Usget

5,426 posts

212 months

Saturday 22nd August 2015
quotequote all
General Price said:
The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise. frown

I shouted "Stop!" but,if anything,that made things worse.
Excellent!

MartG

20,691 posts

205 months

Saturday 22nd August 2015
quotequote all
One blond says to another ''can you spell orange'' the other blonde replies ''the fruit or the colour!!..

Vipers

32,896 posts

229 months

Saturday 22nd August 2015
quotequote all
One for out members over the pond.


A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.

I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare...they turned you down."




smile

BillSykes

12 posts

164 months

Saturday 22nd August 2015
quotequote all
GloverMart said:
Help! I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure.

I've only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me. OVNR.
Quality.

MartG

20,691 posts

205 months

Monday 24th August 2015
quotequote all
I cried my eyes out when I read the news that One Direction will be disbanding in March.
Seven more months of the bds!!..

Wedg1e

26,805 posts

266 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
vx220 said:
Help me out here?

eta as in "wears the soap"???
That's what it meant in 1978, when I first heard it... whistle

Beati Dogu

8,896 posts

140 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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You have to be drunk to find it funny. It's a quick sobriety test.

Jonboy_t

5,038 posts

184 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
I've deleted all of the names of my German friends from my mobile.

I'm now Hans free.




(Best joke at Edinburgh festival this year, apparently!)

hornetrider

63,161 posts

206 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
I preferred:

Red sky at night.
Shepherd's delight.
Blue sky at night.
Day.

Or:

The first time I met my wife I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing huge gloves.

BillSykes

12 posts

164 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
I quite liked this one read out on Breakfast today:

What's the difference between a hippo & a Zippo?
One's a big heavy animal, the other is a little lighter.

jingars

1,095 posts

241 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
Jonboy_t said:
I've deleted all of the names of my German friends from my mobile.

I'm now Hans free.




(Best joke at Edinburgh festival this year, apparently!)
I am curretly sat in the Volvo Cars offices in Cologne. I have just told the above joke to the two German people I have come to see - and they appreciated it!

Nom de ploom

4,890 posts

175 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
jingars said:
Jonboy_t said:
I've deleted all of the names of my German friends from my mobile.

I'm now Hans free.




(Best joke at Edinburgh festival this year, apparently!)
I am curretly sat in the Volvo Cars offices in Cologne. I have just told the above joke to the two German people I have come to see - and they appreciated it!
"just don't tell them your name pike...."
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