Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
That list in full
Dave’s Top 10 Funniest Jokes from the Fringe Festival 2015
1. "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free." – Darren Walsh
2. "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse... but enough about Kanye West." – Stewart Francis
3. "Surely every car is a people carrier?" – Adam Hess
4. "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter." – Masai Graham
5. "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go." – Dave Green
6. "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas." – Mark Nelson
7. "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day." – Tom Parry
=8. "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves." – Alun Cochrane
=8. "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.” – Simon Munnery
10. "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." – Grace The Child
The one-liners that narrowly missed out
"I never lie on my CV… because it creases it." – Jenny Collier
"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself." – Ian Smith
"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one to one time.” – Tom Ward
"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't." – Gyles Brandreth
"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'." - Ally Houston
"Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it. Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism." – James Acaster
And the worst jokes...
"What do honeymooners eat for breakfast? Wedded Wheat." – Lou Sanders
"I am Canadian. But if you think I'm Russian, Soviet." – Steward Francis
"I suffer from PMS. My wife gets it and I suffer." – Jeff Green
Tim Vine won the award in 2014 for his joke about vacuum cleaners: "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust."
Kaj91 said:
vx220 said:
Kaj91 said:
TV spiritualist Colin Fry has died.
Upon hearing the news Derek Acorah said,
'You f
king what???'
Sat here laughing my arse off at that one, not sure why?Upon hearing the news Derek Acorah said,
'You f
king what???'
Lets hope he comes back & punches that tt right in the face!Yvette Fielding I mean
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