Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Spanglepants said:
The Lone Ranger finds Tonto lying on the ground, ear pressed to the earth.
"What is it" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Buffalo come" said Tonto.
"You can hear their hoof-beats"?
"No, ground sticky".
The Lone Ranger finds Tonto lying on the ground, ear pressed to the earth."What is it" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Buffalo come" said Tonto.
"You can hear their hoof-beats"?
"No, ground sticky".
"What is it" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Stagecoach pass this way" said Tonto.
"That's amazing, you can tell that from listening to the ground?"
"No, coach f
king ran me over!"Vipers said:
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.
This actually happened once. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_midlands/4...He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.
I actually noticed it on eBay when she sold it, but assumed it would be some kind of joke... wish I'd gone for it!
Man goes to buy a car and asks for finance. Sorry, says the salesman, we don't do finance, you'll have to arrange a loan. So man goes to bank, and the cashier tells him to go into the back office, where he finds the manager having sex with his Native American boyfriend.
"Are you the Loan Arranger?", asks the man.
"No, I'm fking Tonto".
"Are you the Loan Arranger?", asks the man.
"No, I'm f
king Tonto".
schmunk said:
Vipers said:
So there are two chinese chappies working for wimpey..................
Is this one of these death announcement jokes?Anyway.....
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
Usget said:
Vipers said:
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.
This actually happened once. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_midlands/4...He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.
I actually noticed it on eBay when she sold it, but assumed it would be some kind of joke... wish I'd gone for it!
Vipers said:
The Lone Ranger is holed up in a cave sourounded by Indians (For the PC brigade read - native North Americans).
Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says "We are Sourounded"
Tonto says "We"!
Think it would be better if the '!' was a '?' [/pedantmode]Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says "We are Sourounded"
Tonto says "We"!
Otherwise ace, much snappier than the long-winded version.
Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed.
That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother was coming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted.
The Elves had been playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down.
Father Christmas went to visit his Reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed.
What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his Whisky and there was nothing left to drink in his liquor cabinet. Deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of Coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off!
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles.
At that moment there was a knock at the front door.
Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree.
"Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?"
And that is why by tradition we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees.
That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother was coming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted.
The Elves had been playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down.
Father Christmas went to visit his Reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed.
What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his Whisky and there was nothing left to drink in his liquor cabinet. Deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of Coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off!
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles.
At that moment there was a knock at the front door.
Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree.
"Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?"
And that is why by tradition we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees.
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