Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Once upon a time there was a young man hiking through the woods. As he was gaily skipping through a path he suddenly started to hear footsteps approaching. The footsteps came closer until the trees finally disclosed a group of twenty natives with spears carrying a fat man and his fat kid on a throne. The man was eating a human leg while his son was eating some human ribs.THEY WHERE CANNIBALS.
"I'm f
ked" the young hiker hopelessly thought. However, at that same moment the clouds opened up and the hand of god appeared and said "No son, you are still not fked. Steal the spear from one of the guards and put it through the fat kid's forehead". The man was aware that this plan did not sound effective, but he wanted to live and knew that god had to know what he was doing so he trusted him. He ran towards the closest guard, stole his spear, and shot it towards the fatkid's forehead, killing him instantly. The sky opened up again, "NOW you are fked son".
"I'm f
ked" the young hiker hopelessly thought. However, at that same moment the clouds opened up and the hand of god appeared and said "No son, you are still not fked. Steal the spear from one of the guards and put it through the fat kid's forehead". The man was aware that this plan did not sound effective, but he wanted to live and knew that god had to know what he was doing so he trusted him. He ran towards the closest guard, stole his spear, and shot it towards the fatkid's forehead, killing him instantly. The sky opened up again, "NOW you are fked son".The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she
replied. The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the
sake of decency, here's a $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin
Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replied, "I can't afford any
on the little money you give me." Patrick reached into his pocket and
said, "For the sake of decency, here's a $20. Go out and buy yourself some
underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her
skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus,
Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?" She too explained, 'You dinna
give me enough money to be able at affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into
his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.."
ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she
replied. The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the
sake of decency, here's a $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin
Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replied, "I can't afford any
on the little money you give me." Patrick reached into his pocket and
said, "For the sake of decency, here's a $20. Go out and buy yourself some
underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her
skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus,
Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?" She too explained, 'You dinna
give me enough money to be able at affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into
his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.."
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the bunker, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed, "You missed the fking putt, didn't you?
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the bunker, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed, "You missed the f
king putt, didn't you?A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
Vizsla said:
Vipers said:
The Lone Ranger is holed up in a cave sourounded by Indians (For the PC brigade read - native North Americans).
Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says "We are Sourounded"
Tonto says "We"!
Think it would be better if the '!' was a '?' [/pedantmode]Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says "We are Sourounded"
Tonto says "We"!
Otherwise ace, much snappier than the long-winded version.
Ali2202 said:
Kiltie said:
Vipers said:
... working for wimpey ...
My old fella worked in the building business.He reckoned it stood for ...
We
Imploy
More
Paddys
Every
Year
Would it disrespectful to suggest that he wouldn't have made a good English Teacher?
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